Daily rantings of an underserving

Redundant.

2007-01-22T13:45:00.000+08:00

Before this blog becomes presumably dead, I think it's about time I wrote an entry.

This extended holidays have been quite a bore. I mean, there is only so many things a person can do before the list gets exhausted and dried out. Furthermore, most of my friends are occupied with school and extra curriculum activities, so it makes it even harder to find company these days. I'm quite the loner.

But In spite of that, however boring it may get sometimes, this holidays have been surprisingly productive. You see, the reason why there is a lacking in online blog posts is because I've been writing on paper instead. Articles, proses, the occasional poems and such. I spend my days reading and writing, preparing myself for the career that is ahead of me. I believe that journalism is the work for me, and anything else will fall short in satisfaction.

Writing aside, each day now is a chore to get through. I suppose it is rather pathetic that I spend the week looking forward only to the weekends because I know that my friends would be free then. I wake up each morning to a day that is unplanned, doing things that my mood deems fit, sometimes not doing anything at all.

But enough of self-pitying. I must now pick myself up, and start spending my time more wisely, other than just idling around.

No one understands.

2007-01-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

A good friend once told me that during the times when the going gets tough, it isn't always that the tough gets going. No matter how strong you may perceive yourself to be, weaknesses are abound in everyone of us. He then said, now, put life into proper perspective and think positively. Perhaps then you would realise that everything isn't so bad afterall. Of course, everyone would feel hurt, left out, and misunderstood but that's just the way life is. It's something we have no control over, but what we do have a say in, is in the way we decide how to react to it. And I agree. But as with most other things, the walk overwhelms the talk. And the act of carrying out this thought seems irrationally harder than the mere act of believing in it.

With school(for most people) to start in less than eight hours from now, most must be feeling rather excited. A fresh chapter of education to look forward to, new friends, new surroundings. A new beginning. While I'm left out.

It's really hard to explain how I feel. A confusing amalgam of polarised emotions driving hard right at me. Should I feel happy at this extended holidays? Maybe I should make full use of my time to do something productive and satisfying. Job shadowing perhaps. But the appeal for it might not be successful. If so, should I then feel sad? Because while my other friends are in school, enjoying the new friendships, I'm stuck at home with no one for company. This is a symbol of failure. That while everyone else reaps the achievements of having done well in the prelimenary examinations, I wallow in my stupidity of not having seen the consequences it brings in the following months. It is utter defeat, and the death of all I stood and believed in. Self-righteousness has fallen. Nobody would understand.

And I've failed.

Plight.

2006-12-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

After all the guest entries, I think it is about time I wrote one of my own. My reason for the entries aren't for nothing, most surely I would have a reason for doing so. It started out as an expedition in search of new writing styles and techniques but through all that I've learnt nothing, but only to make a final conclusion- that I was foolish in doing so. An entry, a manuscript, anything that is created by your own hands must stay as a creation of your own. Something personal, not driven by someone else's views and thoughts or their way of writing.

To write is a wonderful gift that most people abandon for time seeking other forms of pleasure. It is sad, because there is no better way to express oneself than to write, and think intensely and fruitfully. To haunt and seek the world of creation, and to frequent it. I realise I must come to a stage where writing becomes so much a part of my life, that not writing will form a discomfort in me, so much that I will be compelled to start writing. No doubt it is difficult to face a blank screen and think of words to fill it. But perhaps it is through such phases of hardship that the writer grows and matures. Nothing starts easy, and just like anything in the world that requires practice for perfection, in writing it is just the same.

I have decided that the only path in my career ahead of me will involve writing in some way. Any medium will do. Writing for the papers perhaps, a freelance columnist or an author. I cannot possibly imagine myself waking up to a day of work that doesn't include the act of writing. I might as well end it, because my dream of an ideal life will never be realised. There isn't a point carrying on living if I don't feel happy. Nevermind the hardship in always trying to make myself write better, at the end of the day these sacrifices will prove its worth. I don't want to be rich, to live in a house lavished with expensive furniture, or an entire wardrobe of clothing from high-end labels. I just want to live, and live fufillingly to the most of my abilities. An idealised life as such cannot be without writing. But I digress.

In spite of all that, writers are human afterall. My notion of life therefore, involves one of completion. Writing is enhanced by love and dramatical twists, and in the same way, I suppose life is too. Life is incomplete without loving someone, and the heart-warming feeling of knowing someone loves you too, just as much or maybe even more. A man cannot live without love, or the love of his life.

And I can't live without mine.

It is childish to think of love and relationships to be straightforward. It involves much compromise and understanding. The belief and confidence in knowing that both parties wants the relationship to work out. Perhaps I have been too demanding. I've always wanted someone to love me the way I want them to. I never felt wrong about it, until recently. And I'm really sorry that things has turned out like this. I wasn't patient enough, I didn't make enough effort to change and understand your stand in the way you work with things. That is my fault, and I have only my immaturity with emotional issues to blame. Where you stand now far exceeds my own level of thinking. You have a vision that sees more of future consequences, while I perceive with only short-term satisfactions in mind. You were right in all the decisions you've made for us, and hell am I glad you did. I cannot think of myself good enough for you in any way, yet you remained steadfast all the same. I am unworthy of you, but your love that ignores all my imperfections made me the happiest boy alive. It is my loss that I should lose you. Perhaps not.

Please I beg of you, make the right decision this time.

Guest Entry - geniusconiguration.blogspot.com

2006-12-22T09:27:00.000+08:00

Move Along - All-American Rejects

"A man is least like himself when he is himself. Give him a mask and he will give you his entire story."

I had a perculiar dream last night.

I was a man walking down a long corridor that was totally pitch black except for candles hanging on opposite sides of the walls. And on these walls directly under those candles were masks. Masks of all shapes and and sizes, yet somehow all of them looked a great deal alike in a strange way.

It was as I made my way to the very end when I saw this mask on the wall that was made entirely out of wax so that it looked like a human's face.

It was mine.

And I spun around and suddenly I realized why all the masks on the walls looked so damn similar. They were all portraits of me. All waxed to perfection; glimmering lightly in the candlelight.

One was of me smiling.

Another was of me crying.

Yet another was of me in anger.

I don't think that there's one man in this room that has not woken up one morning, looked himself in the mirror and simply could not recognize who that man staring right back at him was.

"We all wear masks." someone once said. "We wear them so often that sometimes we forget to take them off."

You know what's more pathetic than blind ignorance? A person who feigns ignorance to get to the things they want. The people who act innocence and oblivious to the things around them so they can bend the rules to get through to the paths that are way more satisfying than when following the rules.

A mask can be used for good things, though.

A blog.

To put your thoughts out to the public without having to speak out loud.

A guest entry on someone else's blog.

Hmm. This certainly is interesting. Might as well make the best of it. aDAMN here, everyone, also known as geniusconfiguration. Until now I'm still unsure why Harry asked me to post a guest post here, but while I'm here, I guess I better make the best of it.

I'm pretty optimistic on my blog. I might be upset about things from time to time, but I always ask others to look on the bright side of life, because life truly sucks when you can't even appreciate it yourself.

But sometimes I wonder if I even believe in the things I write. It's like a pastor asking himself about his belief in Christianity, or a teacher who finally realizes what she has been teaching all these years.

Do I really believe in the things I tell others?

Or am I just acting as the wise, belovant teenager who tells others the marijuana-inhanced view of life?

Am I just wearing a mask like all the others that I critisize?

My father once told me that inside every person there's a secret. A secret that they would rather die than tell the world about it. Give them a mask and they will tell the world; curious about their reaction. So here is mine.

Sometimes in the morning, when the sun has just risen, and nobody is awake in the household except for me. . .and as I stand up at the balconey watching the silence of the city below me. . .

I think I'm lonely.

And wonder if I truly am alone.

Alone with myself, and no one else.

It's a strange feeling.

You feel like crying, and then you feel like someone patting you on the back in reassurance. But in the morning with no one there. . .who's there beside you?

There's no one there.

And I'm lonely.

But then I pull myself together. Nobody is left alone in this world. I don't spout words of wisdom just to get rid of the crap inside me. I believe in it, and I want others to to see the light I'm desperately trying to shine their way.

Like in Tuesdays with Morrie, dear old Morrie said, "Sometimes I would find myself crying. And then I tell myself, 'Wait a minute. That's self-pity.' I take a moment in it, then I pause for a minute, and then I move on."

You know what's more pitiful than a person in continuous self-pity? A person so deep in self-pity that he himself does not realize it. And when he looks himself in the mirror all he sees is this shell of a person that used to be him.

And one day he won't be able to find himself; forgetting what used to be under than mask.

And by then it would be too late.

I'm standing on my balconey.

The sun is starting to set now, annoucing for the end of the day. And I know that when I wake up tomorror and stand here, I won't be so afraid anymore.

Because I'm not alone.

Masks off, everyone.

Guest Blogger No. 3- Topic: Existence of God.

2006-12-20T22:18:00.000+08:00

Hello this is Geran Wong guest-blogging on Harry Fu’s blog. Some of you may know me as The Vampire Lestat, Psychotic Rants. So this is what I have to say about religion or rather, what I wrote about a long time ago in my old blog(no longer updated).

Generally, Religion is a sham. It’s the biggest con-job to have existed on this planet. Scientific studies and research have failed to actually certify and prove anything in the Bible as even historically accurate.

Does God exist? Do we have any other forms of evidence to justify his presence excluding the bible? I have been wondering about these questions for quite some time. From the way I see it, the answer to both questions is a solemn NO. Now, if you are a strong Christian, and find negative comments on your religion disturbing, please do not proceed to the next paragraph.

What is the basis of which millions of people believe in God? I suppose that most have been taught to during their upbringing as a child and sticked to that belief all their lives. Others, perhaps through friends or mere curiosity. But have these people truly examined the fundamental logic behind the faith they so blindly follow?

Basically, as stated in the Holy Bible, if you don't believe in God, you will go to Hell. That applies even if you were a good person and sacrificed your life for another person. As long as you don't believe in God or worship God, you will be drowned in eternal damnation. Its this very threat and fear of Hell that coerces most people into believing. Religion has been degraded into a form of after-life insurance policy. Just like in this life we have AIA, Prudential, Credit Suisse and John Hancock, in our after-life, we have got Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and Roman Catholism.

I find this extremely offensive. It goes against every principle of human freedom. One's freedom to live life the way he or she wants it. What is religion to dictate such things? What is religion, really? I would like to think of religion as something made up by the human mind in order to cope with the psychological pressures of life through facades like prayer, sermons and confessionals. If not for the fear of Hell, how many believers would still remain faithful to their beliefs stemmed from their religion? But ah, you would say, Hell does exist. So my reasoning on the threat of Hell to hold believers hostage does not stand. Don't you see?! This is exactly the sort of warped mindset that your religion has inculcated in you and thus prevented you from examining your true circumstances.

Think of the Catholic priest, when he speaks the words of consecration at Mass. Does he really believe that Christ is on the altar? Or is it just a matter of Challies and sacramental value and the choir singing? Christianity rose from the ashes of Paganism, only to carry forth the old worship in new form.

At the end of the day, I would liken religion to that of the scene in George Orwell's Animal Farm, where Moses the raven would tell the animals about the existence of Sugarcandy Mountain- where they can live free from oppression and hunger. At first, the pigs find Moses annoying, since they want the animals to believe that Animal Farm in itself is a paradise and not anywhere else. However, as Napoleon assumes control of the farm and conditions worsen, he lets Moses stay because his tales offer the animals the promise of rest after a weary, toilsome life.

As Karl Marx famously stated, "Religion is the opium of the people," and Moses' tale of Sugarcandy Mountain likewise serves as an opiate to the animals' misery, as Christianity does to yours.

Btw, Buddhism is a highly acceptable and respectable religion. It does not have the arrogance of Christianity and actually sounds much more meaningful.

Intelligence over emotions.

2006-12-17T02:16:00.000+08:00

Over the course of human evolution, we creatures have cleverly developed an intelligent system within us. A metaphysical defence mechanism as most would term it. Human survival instincts, quick reflexes, and perhaps a hundred other coined definitions that is layed out for it. In scenarios that causes worry, or even minimal amounts of stress or fear induces hormones that triggers this system. For example, when faced with a physical challenge, our body actually goes through a series of biochemical changes to adaquately prepare us for it. Our pupils dilate for maximum visual perception, blood is re-routed from our organs and directed to our brain and muscles for faster thinking and increased muscle activity. Our arteries contract to produce more blood pressure, which then increases the rate of which the blood flows through our body. All of this are carried out by the different hormones in our body, mainly adrenaline and cortisol. You know that your body is going through this biochemical change when you feel 'butterflies' in your stomach.

You might ask, why am I talking about this? Because this is how I want to deal with the problems in my life. I realised that mental strength alone is not good enough a weapon to fight all the shit that has been thrown at me. I've been reading a book titled 'Intelligent Fear' which teaches me how to worry myself to a healthy amount in order to trigger the aforementioned biochemical changes in my body. And henceforth, I will now induce these bodily hormones for clearer thinking and better mental motor skills for handling such matters. If things level to a point where it is too much to take, then I will arrange for dopamine injections, should my mind dry out from worrying too much. This might be something too random, but right now I'm at such a stage of desperation that I'm willing to try anything that might alleviate, however little or fleeting, this pain. To once again attempt at ending this lingering heartache.

Once again, our relationship is worsening. It always happens. Far too frequently of late, and it inevitably leaves me questioning of our compatibility. Yes, I do feel extremely comfortable around you, and likewise as you would say. But whats happening really. I cannot quite put a finger on this. Perhaps our difference in priorities in life just sets us up for these quarrels time and again. Your refusal to compromise, and the way I stand for my beliefs. It just clashes. My aggressive nature in expressing myself at times, your subtlety and inability to put up with such expressions. If love truly exists between us, then this would not be a problem at all. Simply put, the love and i have for and maybe likewise is probably just infactuation blinded by unreal ambitions and the constant need for that special someone. Maybe you don't really love me all that much as you say you do. You are just enticed by the notion of love itself. But what do I care now? I honestly believe that if someone can get upset over the most insignificant trivalities in life, then the only other person compatible for him or her would be someone of the same nature. I apologise for not being good enough, and for your time wasted with me. Believe me, I've tried to change. But your initial impression of me has struck throughout, and no matter how different I am, I would just be seen the same. So why bother? I won't give up smoking for you anymore, nor will I put in anymore effort in trying to be that ideal person you want. Simply because I now think you are unworthy of such sacrifices. I restrained myself from being as critical as I was before. Yet still it isn't good enough. Hell, you wouldn't even tolerate vulgarities thrown at you. Honestly, how much can words affect things. You expect too much. Perhaps a standard set by your unworthy friends and the insinious influence they have over you.

Start thinking for yourself. Ask yourself what you really want.

Guesty Entry 2- Butlerman

2006-12-13T21:19:00.000+08:00

Leading researchers, scientists nor psychologists have yet still been unable to understand the moment of madness that overtook Harry as he deigned it wise to invite me, the self-proclaimed superhero Butlerman (and cleverly adopted pen name to conceal my true identity from the harsher realities of the world) to post a guest entry.

Granted, I'm new to this "guestblogging" experience (my predecessor having the distinct advantage of having done this before) and my nonsensical ramblings seem disturbingly out of place in a blog whose owner explores possibilites of schizophrenia and other such intrinsically dark experiences, coloured by the possibilities of 'burning in hell' (an experience I'm more likely to associate with a barbecue with my father's colleagues, the boring farts that they are). I would attempt to launch into a verbal diarrhoea regarding my day's heartstoppingly-interesting experiences (as befitting of a conventional superhero) but there are none to speak off (it becomes increasingly clear to those who don't already know me that this 'superhero' label hasn't been justified since it's induction 2 years ago).

As it is my day's highlights consists of a 30 minute session scrutinizing my face for blackheads and a venture to Marine Parade library scantily-clad in my ACS p.e. shorts (and shirt, of course, to stop the ladies screaming in adoration) where I was lead via the library's extensive computer catalogue system to the non-existent shelf section 796.738217841239 or something or another to find a highly acclaimed book by Nick Hornby "Fever Pitch". On discovering the shelves ended at 792, I stamped my feet, threw a tantrum and bawled my eyes out in the middle of the library, before settling for the highly appealing (and very colourful) Batman comic books available.

Such adventures aside, a pounding headache which is steadily increasing in intensity requires me to end of at this point (which is having achieved nothing and reached nothing substantial - nothing new then). And I thus - to the relief of many - sign off with an unashamed stab at gaining publicity off...

TO THE BATMOBILE (what I usually end of with, to the uninitiated)

Guest Entry- Liansheng

2006-12-13T15:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's never good enough. If you're flawless, then you win my 
love. 

It's kind of weird. This is my second time guest-blogging, and I've already 
run out of ideas. Haha, so much for being a blogger. Maybe I'll just do some 
random rambling like how many others do so as well. Well, as a starter, why 
not shed light about my encounter with the owner of this blog which I 
constantly reads for hedonistic purpose? But, do the readers of this blog 
really care? Haha... I wonder if he himself remembers all those minute 
events leading up to our acquaintance. The survey at the airport, the drama, 
the random sightings.

Harry's kind of intriguing. At times, he may be superflous with his command 
of the language, yet at times, he's gripping you by the neck with his 
impeccable choice of words. The feelings he's trying to convey are complex, 
and seemingly inexplicable. I wonder if people do notice this, but he's one 
hell of an angsty, emotional, gutsy, boyish young man. It's interesting - 
Maybe I see him more of a specimen that interests me, rather than someone 
who's just trying to be controversial. I admit I don't really know him well, 
and maybe what I see through this blog is just a facade created to hide his 
actual character from the world - That cold cruel world. The contempts 
brought about by his indecisive and far-from-immaculate nature are 
manifestations of his brave, yet lost soul. At times, I applaude him for 
staying true to himself, but the constant changes he has made to his life 
have made me lose sight of his inner being. Sometimes, the only advice I can 
give to a teenager his age would be to 'stop hating yourself'. And also, 
keep those chauvinistic remarks. Haha, all those talk about exploiting women 
and 'i believe all women should be first treated like cage animals until 
proven their worth' just make you sound like some kind of savage beast, 
committing nasty nasty sins. Be prudent.

Moving to something more personal, I stumbled upon a website I last visited 
one and a half years ago[all thanks to my blog archives]. It's actually a 
blog, and I still received that impact I had one and a half years ago. It's 
kind of weird, though I don't really remember how she looks, yet after 
seeing and reading the blog, I feel this urge to know more about her, and 
even foolishly asked someone else if he is still in contact with her, just 
because I was considering if I should asked her out. She's intriguing, and 
haha, truth be told, the feelings I have inside are kind of inexplicable. 
Haha, since I don't have the prowess Harry possess in his linguistic skills, 
I shan't elaborate any further. However, this experience has made me look 
back on my attitude towards dealing with acquaintances. I don't really 
believe in making friends that I wouldn't have any further contact beyond 
the first few 'heys'. Maybe it's my way of being vigilant, but at the same 
time, it gives me much to think about whenever that friendship develops. For 
example, I had a friend who met me in secondary 2 cause we had the same 
japanese class, and I was pretty bitchy towards her. Yet, after two years, 
we met in college, and became pretty good friends despite the lousy first 
acquaintance. Now, this website is becoming reminiscent of this attitude I 
had a few years back. Similarly, I met the owner of the blogsite in 
secondary 2, and it was pretty weird. I remembered how I hung her phone call 
without hearing what she had to say, and acted cold in her presence. Now, 
reading her blog, and seeing the design of it, I felt a complete change, and 
was intrigued by her. Maybe first impressions are never right, but is there 
something more to what it seems at the surface? I am pretty perturbed by her 
blog in a positive way, and there's this motive to leave a message at the 
tagboard to see how she's doing now and probably meet up, but there's this 
nagging voice which lingers and advices me to be vigilent. Simply put, I 
still have doubts about how things would turn out. Maybe I am thinking too 
much, and feeling too emotional, but the logical part of me still wishes to 
pen everything down and see how I feel, partly because there are too many 
stuff that needs to be sorted out. Well, I guess that's all I have to write, 
cause there's simply no reason to proceed any further and I'm contented with 
my life as it is.

One love,
One blood,
One life,
You got to do what you should.

Have fun,
Liansheng

2006-12-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

I don't know where to begin. I feel horrid, seemingly lost in a spinning vortex of my own thoughts. My cognitive brain has somewhat died, handing total control over to my emotional brain. I feel surpressed, as if my body is slowly withering, shrivelling, reluctantly yet forced all the same, into a tiny matter painfully. This isn't how you feel when you miss someone. Most surely, I would know how that feels. This is so different. I don't know what is going on; my mind seems like a blank yet all the the same time a thousand thoughts, so incoherent and indecipherable, running all over. I feel so unsettled, restless, unable to come to a resolution.

I took a smoke, I read a book, I tried watching some TV yet none of it can relief me of this state of madness. It is absolutely without reason, so inexplicable yet so real. I need someone to talk to, but I am unable to dial the numbers or search for names. I am afraid, but why do I fear? Surely, there must be an explanation to this phenomenon. A psychological reason perhaps. Medical science must have an answer.

Everything irritates and annoys me. From the slightest noise to the presence of a cup before me. I'm losing my mind, but how am I so conscious of this happening? I feel like crying, I feel like screaming in anger. My life feels like a stretch of time too long for me to bear. I want to get out of this. I feel like a soul trapped in a disabled body, unable to control, succumbing to agony, to fear... To satisfy and relent, or fight on? It seems that in my lowest moments, my inner being wants to worship evil. To come to an admittance and savour the darkness that is all around us. There is no denying to this. This war is on everything I once found comfort in. This can't be. I know I love God.

Could this be a case of subtle schizophrenia? I've known myself to be rather eccentric at times, but this perpetual duality in personalities is becoming a matter far too severe to be left alone. to live or let die, to be nice or revengeful. the boy who worships god, the boy who gave his blood to the devil. they are one and the same. i want to destroy and feed on the blood of all malays who are such pests in not mine eyes only, but i'm sure, to the rest of society as well. but I want to befriend them. they seem like a friendly bunch. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. this blog is a medium to which i can talk to myself. i write down whatever that is going through my mind in this instance. i know i've gone mad, i still have control over myself. i will not allow for anyone other than my mind, most truly recognized, to govern this being. godless, godly. love, deny. murder parents, love and adore them. revenge on anyone in tenfold amounts whoever criticises me, love and understand their immaturity. i don't think i should continue. i will leave this on till tomorrow to perhaps remind myself of yesterday's pandemonium of misdirected neural impulses. why do the woman today carry values of feminism. dont they realise that for men to start opening doors, paying for movie tickets and such for them, they must first deserve it. i believe all women should be first treated like cage animals until proven their worth. they should not be allowed to make judgements. i will outrightly admit this now. friends of ariel, you people are an unworthy bunch. just because you excel in your academics doesnt mean you are therefore bestowed with the authority to pass judgements. what is she to you that makes you feel unhappy about our reunion? what do you know about me, or us for that matter. you girls are but bloody imbeciles with nothing to do but to occupy yourself with the involvement of relationship politics of your friends. need i remind you rachel, that you fucking screwed up your own relationship with nick. why do you cry over him now? all you others are just fuckwits. burn in hell with me.

Blog Closed.

2006-10-27T01:10:00.000+08:00

Everything is more orderly now, very much unlike its former disorganization. I'm really glad for this bout of change, and it's not always that I get such satisfaction. The examinations are just around the corner, and I declare this blog officially on hiatus until the end of it. And for fucks sake, everyone please study hard. Here's all the best to each and everyone of you. For all those who still feel unprepared (which undoubtedly includes me of course) , all I can offer are these words from a book.

"Never doubt your own capabilities in your tasks, however difficult it may be. The thinking of impossibility will only manifest itself if only you yourself allow for it to happen".

You have only yourself to account to. This is your life to live, and it will turn out as and how you want for it to be. The future is determined by the present, just as the past determines the present. Make damn sure your future isn't one of regret and disappointment.

Unrepentant

2006-10-17T13:19:00.000+08:00

I guess it is only normal that most of us would have individual fears and innate phobias. Even the best of us would tremble before uncertainties, because the thought of taking chances and the possibilities of failure that comes along with it isn't quite the beauteous provocative. When we are disappointed, a fear is induced in us, more often than not, it merges within the deepest of our living souls. But in the same way, confidence is boosted whenever we encounter an otherwise result of success. They say this life is about taking risks.

And I'm taking the one before me now.

Heart turned stone.

2006-10-10T00:39:00.000+08:00

I give up. I say this most honestly, because I am defeated. You've won, you've forced a surrender unto me, an unwilling and forceful path I'll have to take. From now, I won't ever dwell on what we could have, what we were or anything of its associates. Being love-sick is nothing too serious, and at best only absurd. And it is nothing I cannot handle, I can live without you the same way you can just shut off my existence sometimes. Because anything you can do I can fucking goddamned do better. Sure, it sounds egotistic, so what? It takes that kind of ego to make a man attempt a thing like this. Because I know that pompousness mixed in self-assertion is a good measure against uncertainty. And to that I shall commit every fibre of my being, to that I put forward my soul. I'm forgetting you for good.

Your absence may at first be unbearable, but my will stands strong and definite. You weren't worth my time. A pity I've realised this only now. And my current efforts in trying to get over you seems all too ridiculous. You've left me lying helpless. You drove me close to suicide, life and death became dreams on instinct, a habit of its own ways. I created scars on my body in hope of burying all thoughts of you, hoping that pain would serve a mild distraction for having to think of you so much. I have lived as if I was a phantom, oblivious to the happenings around me, solely dependant on the existence of another being; an abomination such as yourself. But I see things clearly now. No longer will I be burdened. You have taken liberties with my emotions, and even though you may not have the intentions of producing such results, you've tortured me long enough. And now I will stand against you, I will defy and rebel against my own feelings, because you've turned me into a monster so filled with hatred and destruction.

Sometimes I'd wonder why I held on for so long. You've kept me waiting. Time and again I felt casted aside, unimportant in your eyes. But still I was crazy enough for you to wait. I suffered in silence, but I refused to tell you anything about it because I didn't want anyone to change for my sake. I know I am undeserving of such actions. But now, this isn't childish pettiness or words of jealousy like before. You'd probably just think, like you always have, that I'm just being over-sensitive again. But anyone with feelings and a fucking heart will probably react and feel the same way I do. This is when I concluded that you're heartless, insensitive, and totally ignorant. I hated the way everything we did had to be according to your preferences, to your comfortability. And at my expense. I'd bust my phone bills just for a few moments at night to talk to you. You wouldn't do that for me. I'd endure long distances of travelling for even the slightest amounts of time to be with you. That I'm sure as hell, you wouldn't do for me. You've even lied to me about 'the person I didn't know' and rubbed it off your shoulders and pretend like it was nothing important. You fucking idiot, if we don't have trust, we have nothing. That's why I made such a big deal out of it. And still it was my fault. Gosh even as I'm typing this I feel so enraged. What was it about you that was so appealing?! I can't quite figure it out anymore. How the hell did I even fall for you! Bah, in any case, I'm off your back now. You won't ever feel 'restricted'.

In spite of all that, allow me to say this piece. You could say that when a man lusts and loves, it would usually be applied under the same contexts. But what I felt for you was truly, and most sincerely love and nothing else. This is the only thing I will thank you for. You've allowed me to experience the truth of love without lust, and that love existing solely without other filthy intentions is actually real, notwithstanding childish claims of hormonal raged teenagers and sex-crazed adults alike. I've loved you so much. What a huge fucking mistake, a past mistake that no longer exists I might add. But hey, I'd say you've given me what others can possibly never have a taste of. To this I present my utmost gratifications.

Other than that, if you would, allow me to assist you in your murder. And then mine.

Says it all.

2006-10-04T22:31:00.000+08:00

It's really good to hear your voice
saying my name it sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never want to say goodbye
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful

Hades.

2006-09-29T13:04:00.000+08:00

I had a dream last night. Perhaps all the heavy metal and death grunting has finally taken a toll on me. I meditate on the lyrics, I fall into obsession with the morbid and highly connotated mephistophelian contents.Many months ago, lying on my bed I asked aloud, Satan if you are real, show yourself to me. I'm done with orthodoxies and the church.

Much time have been spent waiting, and I think I finally got what I asked for. Believe me, it wasn't pleasant. I really hope whatever I saw was just my imagination playing a cruel prank on me.

I saw myself kneeling before the throne of Satan, though I couldn't quite make out the form of his body or face. I was chained to the floor with weights on my hands and legs. The floor was burning, I was weeping uncontrollably. I felt hopeless, condemned. I felt more alone than ever. He said "You have lived a life in my worship. You've had your physical gratifications, and today you shall have your reward. Now burn, just as the many ones before you have been deceived by lies and empty promises." Those of course, weren't the exact words mouthed by that bastard, but it was somewhere along that line. Right after that, a demon of some sort grabbed me by the arm and mounted us both on a horse. I was moved along this plain of darkness, and beside me a river of black water was flowing. The air was a smell of decomposing bodies and blood. It truly smelt of death. I remembered screaming but no sound came out. I've never felt so scared..

Church this sunday, who's with me?

Advert.

2006-09-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

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http://www.xanga.com/buy_mystuff

A quick browse never killed anyone.

Life of death.

2006-09-26T23:32:00.000+08:00

I've been bothered by this very simple question, yet simple as it is, it contains much complexity in its answer. If you could, would you choose the way you were going to die? What would it be? More importantly, would you be able to use it when the time is right? And are you certain that you have fufilled everything on the list that would void any regrets in this life you would only get to live once?

Many times when the going gets tough, most of us would falter in the difficulties that we face. We often forget that it is these struggles that will only make us stronger and prepare us for the worse that is to come. For this is life, and in every sense that the word implies, you are supposed to suffer. There cannot possibly be a constant smooth-sailing in everything that we do but what's important is that we pick ourselves up after every failure or disappointment. If only the comfort in these words can be truly felt when it comes to the actual task to accomplish. Easier said than done, thats what they say. Everyone would eventually come to a point in life when they'll feel that living no longer hold any purposes, the usual routines would become chores. We get frustrated, we yearn for something different. And when we do not attain that, feelings of being utterly lost would creep in. We become confused, we want to end it right now. Prospects of a brighter future is redundant.

What do we do? Where do we go from here?

Encouragements grow into noises we want rid of, care and concern perceived as lies from expedient friends. And then we start to think. If we could choose an easy way out of this life, would we do it?

Minor.

2006-09-25T02:11:00.000+08:00

How do I describe the emotions that I feel now? Oh yes, but perhaps I should be more subtle lest you misunderstand me in any way.

I no longer know you anymore. It's as if you're a different person altogether, and it is alarming how a few days can bring about such a radical change. I do not know what you seek to accomplish but whatever it is, I wouldn't dare question your motives. Although I'll have you know it's goddamn killing me. I may have been putting up a pretentious front, pretending like nothing is wrong and that everything is in order. But come on, I'm not an idiot and you should know that. I don't talk to you as much as we used to, I was with you the whole day today yet not a single word was exchanged. Maybe I should've taken the initiatives to start a conversation at least, but I'm no mind-reader. You seemed as if you wanted me to keep a distance away from you. And that I did. I'm just incapable of mustering up enough courage to bring this up, so I hope you'd read this and tell me what's going on? And if you honestly feel like nothing's out of place, then so it shall be.

Angela Gossow, you have my worship. I hope her picture loads, it may take some time but if it doesn't, get on with life and move on to the next webpage.

Sorrow to serenity.

2006-09-21T01:56:00.000+08:00

I'm glad to say that of late life's been treating me rather well. I've been skipping school to study at home, but I can't say that it's all too productive. I just hope this effort made will gradually snowball into something bigger, as I painfully get used to the ritual of studying for long hours. This might take quite awhile, and unfortunately I haven't much time left. My current plans are to mug four hours a day, one hour of E.Math in the morning, another hour of A.Math in the afternoon and two hours of any other subject at night, also allowing some time in between for reading and sleep of course. Lets hope I'll have enough discipline and drive to keep me on task.

With only thirty odd days to the GCE O Levels, I think it's about time I started to get myself prioritised and well prepared. Things that should not bother or worry me will be cast away from my thoughts immediately. My focus will be wholely devoted on my books alone, and nothing will be allowed to hinder. Or so I will try my hardest.

But as for you, however, I find it almost impossible to expel you from my thoughts. At every idle second, and perhaps even when I'm occupied with things to do, I'll always find myself daintily distracted by reminders of you. Like how are you doing? Where are you now? And stupid questions like these. Many times have I made futile attempts in reaching an abstinence of some sort but never once substantial. I've become all too dependent on you, and this my friend, might just lead to my demise. But then again, it could just be the sole inspiration that keeps me going.

I miss you.

Time and hurts.

2006-09-17T23:48:00.000+08:00

Once again time has won
Our euphoria wears off inevitably
Into status quo
Of a transparence that gave blinded sight
To an otherwise flaw in truth

We curse familiar promises
Made in flesh from past moments
Only to be chased by gasps of fear
relentless, never dissipating

I find difficulty in believing
I sought self-denial
But in the end
Who's the fool but myself

Time has never been a friend
Time steals a heartbeat
Time robs of a moment away from you

Of all emotional hurts
Each and every one bears its own unique signature
It corrodes, destroys
Finally leaving nothing more
But a wreck of being

You left me hanging
Showing weak strands
Of an indifinitely lost of control

For if one cannot guard his own heart
What good is he?

Love and relationships.

2006-09-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

Most of us probably wouldn't admit to this, but the one vital essence of life, something that keeps us going each day is the relationships we have with other people. Be it on the platonic level, the love for our parents or that one special person. The times when you think that living another day is hardly possible, these are people who will pick you up, pat you on the back and say "It's alright dear. You and me, we'll go through this together."

How magical these words.

In the past, I thought I could never really trust others. I never fully believed promises of those who gave me their words because I knew I wouldn't be able to bear the hurt of betrayal and duplicity. Because in a world like this, its leaves one questioning whether honest help and attention truly exists, or is it just a selfish plan for their own benefits.

I was overly suspicious of everybody's intentions, and at every display of concern and care I'd be sceptical and always discrediting their motives. But I was wrong. Oh, what foolish assumptions.

Theres this recent revelation that has come about recently, and I'm really glad I finally realised this. That indeed, there are people who care. People who express genuine concern. No, they were never scheming in lies and hypocrisy. It saddens me greatly to have ever doubted all that, and to this I can only beg of your forgiveness. No longer will this issue continue to persist, and if it does hereafter, you are permissioned to slap me. I'll even thank you.

To all my friends, I really have to say this. I love you guys, and after today I'll only keep appreciating you people more and more over past scepticism. To my parents. I know you've read my blog once or twice Mum. Thanks for everything, the joys of reconciliation were never so consciously felt. Thank you both also for the understanding of my purposes and reasons for smoking. And of course the financial aids time and time again.

And to that special someone. Thank you for always being there, for all the endearment and affection you've so abundantly given. I seriously wish ugly and obnoxious guys (i.e. Dominic Koh) would stop trying to hit on you. You are dearly missed.

i am gay.

2006-09-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

hiiiiiiiiii!
i realise i have been too emo, so i will try to be happy today.
okay nevermind, it isnt possible! hahahahahaha. so i shall stop blogging.

NICK IS GAY!

Nick is gay.

2006-09-10T07:33:00.000+08:00

Good morning. I'm at Nicole's house now, in the early morning, sitting on a couch in her living area waiting for her to be done with showering and all the efforts made to satisfy that innate self-consciousness and insecurity most women have (you know i still love you). Last night ended with all of us pissed drunk and fucking high. The only person who was sober at all was Annabelle, who's [anna] at the tagboard, and yes it is true that I was drunk and just beside her when she made that tag. Nick was really retarded, but then again what's new? Okay this is really random, I'm just writing this out of sheer boredom and with too much time in my hands to spare.

Absolution.

2006-09-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

Satanism is Satanism not due to our worship of any deity, but for the philosophy that we stand for. We recognize ourselves as gods, and we hold our own perspective on life as holy and revere our own experiences as the only truth we can ever know. Satanism is the utter rejection of the spiritual way of theistic religions, and the honest admittence that we are just animals who evolve as any other complex system.

At the end of the day we only have ourselves to account to, to finally pay for the price of our sins or good deeds alike. Notice the bible never really mentioned about the rewards of the kindness and grace you've shown, but rather repeated emphasis on sins. If you are christian, no matter how grim or inexorable the sins you have commited, God will eventually forgive you. But then if your faith is not in the Lord, in spite of everything you've done good in your life, you will eventually burn in hell. Where is the fairness in that really. This is the harsh and perennial dogma all believers will have to accept. However, I cannot for the life of me do the same.

If God really speaks of being fair, then it is clear that an antagonism exists in this preaching. I won't go into this though, because of its attractive nature of alluring controversies. The paradox of impartiality and cruelty will destroy itself.

My dark, satanic love.

2006-09-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

I have decided. I'm losing my religion, casting away past beliefs and starting anew. It seems clear to me now, that depression over lost love is not worthwhile at all. In fact I will learn to not love and trust so easily, but at the same time appreciate people for who they are albeit standing guard of my own heart lest emotions control the better of me.

Firstly, necessarily, I love myself. I’m my own God, after all, and I put no Gods before Me. I’m uppermost in my mind. Sometimes I realize I could have done something better; sometimes I make mistakes. It’s wonderful how I learn from these things; it’s exciting to have an opportunity to have an even better sequel to these happenings. Even when I deny myself something, withhold gratification, it’s always in order to enjoy something even more fulfilling and worthwhile down the road. This is why I can hate so purely, so irrevocably, anything that wastes my precious time, energy and attention.

I will once again attempt at satanism and see how much good will benefit. Everything else can wait whilst this 'self-experiment' proceeds. I'm sorry if I'm letting anyone down. But who am I kidding? No one fucking cares.

2006-08-31T22:41:00.000+08:00

I hate having to feel like this. The feeling of being utterly lost and confused, broken yet alive and conscious about every bit and detail of the misery. I just can't stop thinking of you. It's time I corrected myself. I shall learn to appreciate others more and stop being judgemental. A person is more than just what they show on the surface, and thats really important. But goddamn it why I must learn it the hard way? I'm sorry I wasted your time, and even more sorry I existed. Then maybe you wouldn't have to be so irritated by having someone miss you so much like that. I'm fucking sorry okay I want to stop myself from feeling like that but I can't. I wish all this could just end. In fact, I wish it never started at all. The pills are only providing partial sedation but it helps little if not none at all. Its just so fucking agonizing. Most of you might not understand this, then again some of you might. Its the feeling you get when you knew you had so much with someone at one point of time, and in an instance everything just falls apart. That bit of you just won't let go, you find it hard, physically and mentally torturing to let go but what choice have you got? Its your only option. You try to take the easy way out by being in contempt of ending your life but god knows you have no fucking guts for that

GET A FUCKING LIFE ALREADY

Smells like death.

2006-08-29T23:10:00.000+08:00

After some thoughts, I think perhaps things would be better for me if I became how I was in the past. Serving darkness, savouring the paramount of physical carnal pleasures. That will be my escape from this unworthy life, along with all its predicaments. It's never easy to lose and then walk on smiling, pretending like nothing has happened. So I ask myself. Why bother really? I've lost my religion, I've lost faith in the notion of love. I've lost myself.

If the road to hell is paved with amenities, then I'm on it. Nothing of broken hearts and social politics. Just pure convenience and smooth-sailing throughout. Who wouldn't prefer that? I'm so sick of all the fallicious and phony lies about life treating you well. A song written by Dimmu Borgir called 'Devil's Path' best describes it. An interest for such music and writings are igniting a new born flame in me once again.

Never shall the sun kiss my face
And caress me with its burning light
For I dwell in the shadows
And sleep side by side with death

In dark desire I embrace the whore
Giving her an escape from an unworthy life
For with the appearance of a fallen angel
I serve darkness

I am a prince among the damned
As I've been for an eternity ..

2006-08-26T21:03:00.000+08:00

I don't really know how to begin. My whole mind's in a mess and all I know now is that I'm feeling so terrible. I really can't let go. I can't believe I blew this up and its all my fucking fault. It seems like my whole life is ruined and the one person I became so dependant on won't be there anymore. What am I suppose to do now? If only I could make this up to you somehow. It would be too selfish to be asking for one more chance. Sometimes I wish I had more control over things like my temperament. Then perhaps it wouldn't be like this. It wouldn't fucking end like this. God I miss you so much. When that message came I felt my entire body tearing apart and ripped into shreds. For five painful minutes I sat dazed, mixed emotions consuming all my thoughts and fighting hard to keep back those fucking tears. I can't say I didn't expect this, because I did. But when it eventually came to past, I just felt like breaking down on the spot. I spent my whole day thinking of you, thinking of what could have been if only I didn't react the way I did. I swear I'd sell my soul to relive the days before. I just hope you'd be happy hereafter, because at the end of it that's all that matters. Take care my friend.

Duty above all.

2006-08-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

In spite of all that has happened, or will happen I think we should constantly remind ourselves that all that you're going through now is but a facade and things won't stay this way forever. Just for it to be slightly bearable. Experience comes from bad judgement, but good judgement comes only from experience. I won't deny that I'm going through a tough period right now, but what's important is that I pick myself up from this mess and move on. To forget about what was, but rather to be in hope of what will be. Nothing more of anti-depressant pills, I'll rely on my own will now.

Note:

2006-08-21T23:08:00.000+08:00

I've given up on chemistry. There is too much to study with so little time left and I don't think compromising on my sleep is wise. So maybe with a bit of luck and hopefully divine intervention, I might be able to receive a decent pass grade. Anything more than that is only being too hopeful, not to mention absurd. Tonight I will stay up to read, or perhaps attempt at doing something productive, other than studying of course. I'm just not in the mood. Too sick and tired of academics, always having to keep up with the educational system and shouldering personal issues at the same time. There's only so much a boy can take, and I think I've already handled too much. It seems like I'm growing up way too fast, dealing with problems people of my age find obscure. Walking with a chain round my neck with weights too much to bear. Only time will tell I guess. I hope with that, I can sort out myself and think clearly once again.

Oh and by the way, I'm thinking of committing this blog into the cause of journalism. To write for a cause instead of random entries. My theme will be the theme I proposed for the interschools blogging competition, but perhaps it was too general and broad an issue to be dealt with. So perhaps I could try it out with my own. The Politics and Discrepancies of Daily Life. What do you think? Feedback greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Here goes.

2006-08-14T16:56:00.001+08:00

A little book packed in the corner of my drawer caught my attention while I was rummaging through some old junk. It was the diary I had back when I was only nine years old. I took some time off studying and began reading the entries I wrote and it filled me with delight and delirium, seeing the once innocent and naive boy I've been. Looking at the present, how I'd wish things would go back to the way it was before. My entries back then were random things that affected me. It is nothing like the problems I have now, just very trival issues that is almost redundant if translated to present time. But amongst all, there was one entry that was particularly interesting.
(unedited)

24th march '99
Hi we meet again! I got alot of things to tell you: My father is very sad today, he saw my results and didn't say anything and walked away. I was very hurt and I am here doing nothing to cheer him up you know now everyone is getting good results do you know that. And now I will study very hard to earn a lot of money for my family. Auntie Nelly's homework is ok for me and so is my chinese tuition but still quite stressful. but my father is just not happy still.

Notice the similarities in my entries now and then? Since the tender age of nine I've been empty resolutions on working hard the next time round. But those next times never came. Words were all I can give to myself to feel better - that perhaps things would be meliorated for the next exams. I never grew from my mistakes. Deranged as a kid, incompetent I shall stay. I just realised I've been a rather emotional child. Thats fucking sad, damn.

Anyway I took my first round of papers for the Pre-lims today. Totally owned my composition but report writing was neither here nor there. Social studies was a huge relief. Much thanks to Ariel for keeping me strong till 12 just when I thought I was going to give up. Seriously, never do that again. Well enough said, much studying is to be done. Here's well wishings for everyone else who is to got through the same torturous regiment. We will pull through!

Special Mention.

2006-08-13T21:27:00.000+08:00

I really want to show my appreciation for everyone who's showed me their bit of concern over my current situation. Thing is, my application might have failed but that doesn't mean I'll stop trying. My heart is with AC and it always will be. One setback won't bring me down. I sincerely thank each and everyone of you, even the anonymous on my tagboard, whose words are like healing to my wounds. I'll only have to work harder now, to realise aforementioned dreams and above all, to not let myself down. Indeed, the best is yet to be.

Meaningless.

2006-08-09T10:09:00.001+08:00

There's been so many things on my mind of late. Too much in fact. For one, the entire DSA application has been nothing but a fucking failure. AC has rejected me not once, but twice. Its infuriating how political a school can get sometimes. But what can anyone do really. Those people make the decisions and they stay adamant to it. They gave me false hope, cheap words that sold assurance, but finally sending me to the grave with disappointment. Then again, they made no promises so who am I to blame. I called up Louis Ho from SAJC and he seemed keen on taking me in. I gave them my word that my december holidays and first 3 months will be wholely dedicated to them, turning up for trainings and crashing lectures (that is, if I don't hit the 20 points required for Pre-lims). I sincerely hope that this wouldn't be a another waste of time and a bout of misleaded belief. I don't think I'd be able to take the blow.

Yet another affliction would be my attitude towards studying. Yes indeed I've mentioned that studies are not a priority, but that does not mean it isn't important. I think its time I committed myself to the books for this period of the examinations. I realise that I do have quite abit of time between the dates of each paper so I guess its all last-minute studying. I thought I had lost all hopes of ever performing to even the least decent expectations. But this recent discovery has given me some sort of optimism, that perhaps not all hope is lost. "Have a healthy disregard for the impossible"- This is a phrase that I will remember for life. To always set an aim that might sound silly and maybe even impossible to your peers. But who are they to undermine you? I know my capabilities and I will not allow for disheartening and childish mockery to bring me down. You can laugh all you want at my targets but at the end of the day we'll see who has the last laugh. You're only doing it because you feel insecure of your own outcome. Fact that you actually made the effort to even try to dampen my spirits must mean you are quite desperate. Desperate to know that there are others like you, unprepared, not knowning of what you want in life, a lost soul in your own mind. I feel for you motherfucker. But guess what, this time I'm making damn sure I won't end up like you. To make similar mistakes of the past. I swear I'll even sell my soul to make this all a success. Yes, determination.

Time is running out.

2006-08-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

Study focus has only increased by an insignificant bit, but I'm satisfied nonetheless. I knew this was coming. Preparations for the upcoming examinations has been minimal. My only driving force now is the dream and ambition of someday becoming a world class journalist. To cover headlines, travel to remote corners of countries and write about its serenity and nonpareil, to interview celebrities, terrorists and the likes and savour the interaction I'd have with them because I know not many people would have such exclusive opportunities. To witness political disputes first hand and watch deluded soldiers who think they're putting their lives on the line, dying in honour for their countries when in actual fact they are fighting only for the pettiness of their mindless goverment.

I guess all talk without effort will only conclude to foolish ramblings. Just like most people of the world right now, everyone has their hopes of one day making it big in society, having money flow in like sewage into the ocean (okay I know, absurdly random) but how many really do make good of such idyllic resolves? I do not wish to become like that. To be stuck behind a desk and a computer for seemingly endless days, apprehending the harsh reality that life would never progress any further. And for the rest of your life, it would remain that way.

Tragic.

Well I'm off to the airport now, for a good time of reflection, coffee and abit of studying. I honestly think that studies should NOT be the priority of my life now. Though many claim that it is, often saying that they'd put their books in line above everything else during this period. Its all utter bullshit. No one really does it, merely hypocritical mouthing because they think by saying that others might actually conceive an illusion that they've got their lives in order. We all know it isn't true. Let's not deceive ourselves any further. There are so many things in life that is much more important that our studies. Family, friendships and the people we care about. Right, and now I become the hypocrite. Yes, things are only getting better for me. Fuck not.

Division.

2006-08-02T17:27:00.000+08:00

These few days have been a wreck. I live each day as it comes, without purpose or direction. My days at school are mundane and uninteresting, nothing infuses anymore appeal to me and I'm left hanging to question what I really want with my life. Quite honestly, I cannot give an answer. I don't want to carry on living like this. Perhaps I don't even want to live at all. This might just be a phase most teenagers in their adolescent years would encounter, but when will I have enough strength to snap out of this downhill decline? I no longer have any cares in this world, except the very one who's always on my mind, but even that is unequivocally turning into a burden to myself. It seems like that has become my only concern in the world. I've become apathetic, indifferent, down crashing into a state of confusion that has no hope of salvation. I wish I could give you up, but theres no chance in hell that my heart will allow for that to happen.

Ignore that, I'm just self-pitying. Oh and by the way, you fuckers can say all the shit you want on my blog. And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. You're just wasting your time, showing yourselves as immature idiots who have nothing better to do with life than to spam utter rubbish. Thats good in a way. Because now we know you motherfuckers are no better than me.

My Last Serenade

2006-07-30T09:14:00.000+08:00

This revelation is the death of ignorance
Tangled in a state of suffocation
Slave to self righteousness
Damnation is on your lips
From sorrow to serenity, the truth is absolution.

You make me smile.

2006-07-30T04:17:00.000+08:00

The common cliche that we all know about life bringing you bouts of happiness and sadness like a rollercoaster ride is known by everyone, but how many really do understand its true meaning? It is only idealized only after you've gone through the whole ordeal. And today, after a very long time (only avid readers of this devoided blog might understand when I said that), I felt happy. Not a temporary high, nor an exuberance you'll forget about in the passing of moments. This blessedness I felt was extraordinary. It gave me the strength to walk away from my filthy habits. It followed me through the hours even after it happening, and most do not. I lived on the memory of it, and everytime vague images from memory of the littlest thing you said or done that stirred my heart came up, I'd smile to myself and realise that nothing else mattered anymore. Except you.

Thank you Ariel, you really made my day <3

Excuse this weird entry.

2006-07-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

I couldn't help but notice the many people around me as I walked around town. I was surrounded by people of different lives with different stories to tell. Fueled by sheer boredom and a tad bit of fascination I started to think on this. I saw the many faces in the crowd, some were happy, some were expressionless but behind these masks they put on their faces who's to say what really is going on in their lives? I saw couples lost in their own heaven, beggars by the street sides with nothing to eat and random people enjoying each other's company. We were all within the very same area, yet each and everyone of us went through a personal and unique experience altogether. Amazing, really. Each had stories to tell, problems to share and perhaps a want for a shoulder to cry on. We all walked pass each other, lives intertwined in an otherwise fashion unknown to us. Yet we do not know it. We never will.

Neglect, Violence and finally Silence.

2006-07-26T17:42:00.000+08:00

"The hands on Eddie's childhood glass then were hard and calloused and red with anger, and he went through his younger years whacked, lashed and beaten. This was the second damage done, the one after neglect. The damage of violence.It got so that Eddie could tell by the thump of the footsteps coming down the hall how hard it was he was going to get it.

Through it all, despite it all, Eddie adored his old man, because sons will adore their fathers through even the worst behavior. It is how they learn devotion. Before he can devote himself to God or a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, even beyond explanation."

This is an excerpt taken from The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. My reason for putting this up were cryptic, even to myself. I felt a relation of some sort to myself as I read its pages. I cannot say that I've had a very pleasant childhood, because then I'd be telling a lie. My years of growing up were filled with many an episode of constant seekings of attention, tears after beatings by the good-for-nothing whore who calls herself my mother and neglect. Yes, neglect by both my parents who do not understand me, even to this present day. They overlook who I really am, and what I really want and instead form an illusion of what they'd wish for me to become instead. They never respected my individuality and everything was to be performed and carried out to their agenda, and theirs only. I was brought up under strict regimes, gaining independence only at an embarassing age of 11. And I was only free from this bondage only after I stopped talking to my mom. And this I must say, shall remain for good.

Horrid memories from the past shows clearly now to why I've become who I am. I seldom rely on others because I simply cannot put too much trust into anyone now. This was a mistake I've made with my parents. The two people that were supposed to be the most familiar with who I really am, knowing my inside out, my habits and favourites, are clueless and deceived. They know only what I tell them, and not much of it is the truth. I feel emotionally betrayed and deprived because at the hardest points on my life, I'd needed someone close to fall back on. Many have their parents for that, but I do not. It fills me with jealousy and envy, because what I wanted more than anything in the world could never be realised. I cannot deny that I love my father, truly and honestly, but there seem to be this barrier between us and I can only divulge my feelings to him to a limit and nothing more. It hurts. I cannot bring myself to be any closer to them because I know how they have treated me in the past and something inside me would forcefully pull me away everytime we get closer.

I remember once, when I was at the frail age of seven of eighte, my mother broke my heart and this wound remains unhealed. I had a toy, and it was my favourite among all that I had. My brother broke its leg by accident and well, obviously I cried. My brother, frightened by my weeping, cried too. My mother then came in to see what was all the din about, and when she saw the broken toy, she glared at me immediately, unbeknowning of the truth and jumping straight into a conclusion. I was brought out of the room and received scoldings and a slap on my face, and I remembered vividly, as I fought hard to form words from the sobs and coughs, and being totally neglected as my mom turned instead to my brother and tried to pacify him.

I don't really know how to end this entry. I just wanted to let out whats been inside of me for so long. I hope my mom reads this, because I've got something to say.

Fuck you mom, you will never have a part of my life ever.

Personal Thesis.

2006-07-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

I feel useless. I am now incapable of churning out blog entries. I saved and re-edited my draft three fucking times and never once had it concluded into anything decent. Therefore I digress from whatever I was writing, and now I shall attempt to blog something less angsty since I've received words from critics aplenty about this blog being too goddamn emo. But who am I kidding, really. Such a thing is not possible, because I will never be happy. I'm an angry, sad and hopeless boy. I'm sensitive, petty, temperamental and extremely impatient. I'm a pathological liar. I'm the biggest hypocrite above all you've seen. I'm satanic. I do not study. I'm constantly in the denial that one day things will finally turn out well for me, and all these are but trials and tests on whether I'm deserving of that rewarding end. I'm gullible. I'm hard-headed. I hate my parents. I'm arrogant and self-centered. I put myself before others but always appear to be otherwise. I'm hideous. I'm your greatest disappointment. I put down others so I can feel good about myself. I manipulate others with my words just so I can reap the most benefits for myself at their loss. I abuse people's trust. I neglect concern. I trust and love only myself and the powers that pulls me through each day. I'm a cheap imitation of my idols. I use make-up. I'm always jealous. I get suicidal over the most frivolous matters. I'm a sucker for sweet girls. And all these are merely a meagre amount of how disgusting I truly am.

Does that give you enough reason to hate me now?

Apologies and heartbreaks.

2006-07-16T00:09:00.000+08:00

The capability to perform a task is to know that the entire situation is pretty much under your control. Something you can grasp easily, knowing its inside out and of course to carry it out at ease. I once thought I had this ascendancy over myself. It saddens me that my filthy habits hurt my friends but its not like I wanted for it to turn out this way. You must understand that this addiction has taken the better of me, and only time can slowly rid of this vice. I've beome a instrument to my body over my heart, and as hard as I try to surpress my fixations, nothing ever turns out in my favour. So please, if our friendship would mean anything at all, give me time. Give me the trust that I'm trying my hardest to stop. Because I will, for you my friend.

School starts in less than a day. With no more than three weeks to the pre-lims, I think sacrifices are rightfully in place. The total boycott of all my emotions, because this is the last thing that I want to become an obstruction. Nothing more of you. I made a hypothesis a few months back, that I never really was good enough for anyone. My shy, deceiving and hateful self has now proven it right. I'll take my befitting status and back off, once and for all. A person can be strong in character, disciplined in everything he does, following a conduct of morally upright values, but when it comes to the inevitable issue of heartbreaks, how can one blame him for falling into his own enslavement. I do not differ. I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me.

Carte Blanche.

2006-07-09T00:38:00.000+08:00

I'm too muddled up in my head to think of a starting line so I hope this will do. I need something to vent on, someone to talk to. I was just on my bed thinking about everything that has been affecting me, hoping that this self-denying effort will allow some room for a form of deliverance when reality slapped me in the face and awoke the once dormant comprehension that has stayed hidden all this while. I feel like I've been deceived by my own emotions and frankly I can't take anymore of this. I ignored everything else in this pursuit, stupidly hoping I might see some form of reciprocation. And I suppose what I've heard was right. It is of human nature to be selfish and solely exclusive, always taking and never giving. You're no exception. I look at myself and compare myself amongst my social circle of friends and the painstaking understanding on how fucking much inferior I really am hits me like a train. And it doesn't just end here. This hurt that comes along makes it seem like perhaps suffering the impact of the hit is barely justifyable. I feel like I've been dragged under its wheels, along the tracks, having every fibre of my muscles slowly burned out by heat and as my dying body slowly granulates, I think about the present and maybe this is a much better way to end it all off. I'm sorry for typing out such a weird entry but fuck, I know no other way to express this anguish thats sticks so stubbornly to my head.

Good thing my parents just left the house for supper. I really need some time alone now to get my thoughts sorted out. Its senseless really, how I'm using cigarettes as a subsitute for the all the emotional relief. Fuck the fitness I worked so hard over the years to built on, fuck how you mindless bastards think of what I'm doing. To hell with everything really. I'm done with this world and its abhorrent means to always find a way to bring you down. I lost all the will I had before, and now all I can do is watch myself become a slave to my own fucking heart. I've become all too susceptible to this. I wish I had more control over all this insanity.

No one will fucking understand what I'm going through. Forlorn and forgotten, I bet you won't even care.

2006-06-30T11:33:00.000+08:00

All my hopes
And all of my dreams
Everything falling inbetween
Seems to me that memories
Mean more to you then they do to me.
Through the sky
And into your eyes.
Sew the lips right into your smile.
I'm okay with faking this.
I'll fake everything just to slip your kiss.

If I'm a writer, and I'm a poet,
I might love you, But never show it.

<3

2006-06-27T23:02:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile. Gosh so many things have happened lately, but I don't think I'll begin on anything at all. There's just one incident that deserves a brief mention, though. The one time after so long that I actually wanted to go to church, everything that day screws up. I got fucked by my dad, lost some stuff, bad hair day, etc. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I ended up spending the night at the esplanade because I was too goddamn pissed with my dad, but it was an awesome experience. Everyone should do that sometime, its therapy for the senses, methinks.

High school musical was great. I find myself unable to control the urges in attempting to become a cheap imitation of Zac Efron in school especially when you have so much time in classes like chinese. God, if only I could sing along-side a girl like Vannesa Anne Hudgens. I'm so gonna watch this sunday's encore telecast.

I've had less than three hours of sleep in the past 2 days but strangely I still feel wide awake. Okay this is a totally random post. Goodnight.

Just too bad.

2006-06-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to believe anymore. The whole notion of love, however repulsive at times yet incessantly addictive, has gotten quite a grip on me. I've had crushes before but you were more than any of that that I've experienced, and quite honestly the way you're treating me now is truly painful. I would beg you to stop if I even had the courage to speak up. We no longer talk like how we used to. In the past I couldn't get you to stop talking, but now I kiss the screen and thank god for every rare moment you actually give your slightest amount of attention. Short-lived conversations and moments I'd steal with me to bed at night, thinking on every word you said to me before I eventually fall into a blissful slumber knowing that you actually acknowledged my feeble existence. I wish I wasn't such a coward. My love, this is martyrdom to me. And you don't even know it.

Move Along.

2006-06-22T14:31:00.000+08:00

And Vertigo2 so ends my days of clubbing till the end of the O Levels. Yesterday night was awesome really, dancing with the guys (and not a single girl) and screaming till my throat nearly died on me. Gayfest was fun. I actually have so much more to say but I suppose it would be of inappropriate content to be posted on an entry, hence my decision against it. Even with all that, I really wish we could have done something more memorable. Everyone was so eager to go home after the party, and quite honestly I was rather disappointed. I didn't want my very last party of the year to end like this.

So I guess this conclusion gives way to my dreadful commencement of studying for the Os. You could say I'm on both sides of mood for this. I'm happy that I'm finally getting down to doing work, with no more distractions or parties to tempt me hereafter because I know I've made up my mind for this sacrifice and I will stick to it like a contract signed in blood to the devil. Then again, the thought of sitting down by my table and flipping through pages of my textbooks, doing tedious math sums, writing essays and finally turning into a lifeless zombie isn't quite the most appealing thing to look forward to.

Two days ago I was on a bus to school, and I was just thinking through some random things when this thought suddenly hit me. With Trivium blasting in my earphones, blistering bass and guitar shredding, and a book in my hand, I felt so free from everything. And at that instance, it was as if I've decided to dedicate myself to only music and my studies and everything else held no importance to me at all. This might not sound noteworthy at all for some of you. But of late I've been tied down by many things, unrequited love (how foolish) and being annoyed at this world with its mindless people, and that brief moment of liberation gave me a new meaning to this wretched life I find so hard to live with.

And perhaps I will. I'll make music and study my balls off just so I can realise my childhood ambitions. I want to sing and play music in front of multitudes and have them worship my songs, I want to write books that can change the world and the people's perspective just so they will think of things the same way I see it. I want to become somebody the world will know. I'm sick of being the insignificant person I've so tolerated all my life, never being in anyone's notice, and always out of everyone's league.

No, nothing more of that. I'm done with it.

Struggle to ease the pain.

2006-06-17T00:19:00.000+08:00

I was looking through some photos this afternoon. Photos of the people from my former church and myself. I felt extremely nostalgic and an unexpected longing to be with them again, chilling after services every saturday night, prata on sunday afternoons and just idling away till evening service started. I miss all of those terribly. And what is church without the company of friends really. My churchies were awesome friends, never once failing to bring about fits of laughter everytime we're out together. But those days are gone now, changed like a leaf on a tree. Blown away forever.

How I miss those times when they taught me to play the guitar, the prayer meeting sessions, cell group (and I had the best cell leader), youth services all the way at godforsaken yishun. All of that left behind 2 years of fond and precious memories. I know I made a mistake in deciding to turn anti christian , and now that I've realised my foolish mistake, I'd really want all of that back. But what's done been done. And this ardent yearning will stick to me like a parasite, inflicting pain and emotional anguish I so deserve, becoming the punishment of my misleading.

I really miss you guys.

What?

2006-06-13T18:52:00.000+08:00

I feel strangely happy. With a little bit of physics, a good rugby match to watch, and a (fairly)awesome party at dxo, I've arrived at a sudden conclusion that it takes but only the smallest of life's many pleasures to feel contented. Simple activities and nothing extravagent. Haha okay I've no idea what I'm talking about. This is so random. The birth of a post due to boredom and hours of time to kill. And I think I've been spending too much lately. With more than 2 weeks of the holidays still at hand, I must say the amount of money I have now isn't quite in accordance to the plans I have. So down goes Starbucks and my excessive gluttony. I will learn to control my urges. I guess its back to more physics and hopefully chemistry later on in the night. I still don't see the reason to studying all this.

Coach Jeff, I've seen your tag, and I thank you once again for the many encouragements. It is without doubt that you define a true blue ACSian. I feel honoured that you actually take time to read my worthless writings.

Priceless.

2006-06-10T23:34:00.000+08:00

For the first time since the start of the june holidays, I'm glad to say that I've had fun today. Not smoking, getting drunk and dancing in a club kinda fun. But the fun you get from playing in the rain, laughing with friends, making stupid jokes, laughing at each other's bruises and abrasions from playing soccer. Yes, fun. Perhaps such a thing may be perceived as something too trival to even be worth mentioning. But it meant alot to me. It really did. The bonding, friendship and merriment involved. Watching each other smile, giving out hearty laughters. And above all, the innocence of it. No corruption or hypocrisy of any sort. Nothing of that existed in what we did. I enjoyed it thoroughly and I don't think theres anything that can be its subsitute.

I was hoping for a bright sun so I could like get a tan. But it rained again, just like it has for the past few days. Was rather disappointed initially but oh well I could always go back some other time. Today's experience was a rare one, and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Goodnight.

These things do happen, sadly.

2006-06-09T15:49:00.000+08:00

3 days ago, I received news that my uncle was struck down with stage 4 stomach cancer. Thats when the cancer cells has already spreaded to most parts of his body, and realistically speaking there is no hope for cure. All the kimotherapy he's about to go through will only increase his remaining life span by a mere 3 - 6 months. And that's all the time he has left, before he finally passes away. It wasn't easy for me when I first heard about this, but my father is taking an even harder blow. He was close to tears when he told me that very night. My uncle has always been close to my family, even with his disturbing smoking habits. He was an extremely heavy smoker, and I suppose that was what brought him to his demise.

This incident gave me an agonizing reminder about how fragile life is. Imagine if you were counting your days before you kicked the bucket, how horrible and painful that must feel. To know that your life is about to come to an end. I've always thought of life as something cruel and heartless, giving you fraudulent joy just to make it bearable. But now I'm brought down under circumstancial situations unwillingly to re-evaluate my previous naive perception. Sarah had sent me an email a few days back, telling me about how her friend's father just dropped dead, with no apparent reason. It was like, one moment he was perfectly healthy and the next, his heart just stopped beating. Dead, lifeless, a burden to his family. How unpredictable, this gift or curse of life as we see it. Merciless as it gives and take all the same.

All that has happened is really too much for me to take. I can only pray for the best for my relatives now.

Wasted wednesday.

2006-06-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

Once again, I've spent yet another day at home doing nothing but watch tv and sleep. Of course, contemplations to start studying came up after hours of idling, but alas it is to no surprise that I gave in instead to slumber over work. I think all this sleeping is dulling my mind and seriously affecting my creativity as you can most obviously tell from the way I write my entries now. Its so monotous and boring. Heh like as if you'd want to know what happened to me during the day. Fuck no.

Been reading several random poems I've found whilst surfingthe net, and I must say it has somewhat sparked an interest for poetry in me. Love for the english language has always been innate, but upon reading the aforementioned, that level of interest has suddenly been heightened to a whole new dimension. I felt the emotions conveyed as I read through each word of the poem slowly. Magical.

And then I tried to write some of my own, but of course, nothing fruitful came out of it. Only failure and a sorry attempt in trying to recreate what I read. The poems were so beautiful, as if each word was made for the other, joined together creating an equivalent of an artist's masterpiece. If only I could think of more to say. My words undermine the exquisiteness of it all.

A proper entry, if I may say so myself.

2006-06-06T00:10:00.000+08:00

Oh my god I've finally gotten access into this goddamnmotherfuckinghellholeofa web page! I'm close to passing the brink of insanity I swear. I've been stuck at home for almost 48 hours, sleeping and watching tv to pass the most of my time. Save for an hour or so studying, but that's almost redundant. I'm glad I've finally amounted enough composure to actually blog a proper entry, unlike the previous few that I've written. Forgive me for being so emo.

Over a week of the june holidays have passed and sadly I've done nothing productive of late. I need to start studying soon. The time I have now is extremely precious, but it's hard because I hate staying at home just to study. I feel so loser-ish. I mean, while everyone's out there having fun and doing something entertaining, it irritates me to know that I'm prisoned within the walls of my room spending time doing nothing but fiddle around with a pen and a textbook. Fine and perhaps my ten-year series as well.

There are parties aplenty during this holidays but I'm not sure if I should go for them. I mean, afterall it is my O levels year. I should be fucking studying! What happened to all that vigour and passion?! I'm in trouble, really. Somehow I have this feeling that I'll screw up my Os very very badly and end up regretting over how I could have prevented all this then proceed on to repeating my sec 4 year and become a miserable pauper in the near future, driving a taxi perhaps and taking a night job just to make ends meet. Oh no.

OR I could start studying now, become filthy rich and retire at 30 with more than enough liquidity to last me for an entire lifetime living in excess luxury and my own jet plane. But of course, everyone dreams. And how many actually have had thier dreams come true, I cannot say for sure, though I'm pretty darn certain that it'll come closer with every effort you put in. And that's exactly what I plan to do.

Make millions and treat everyone to vanilla fraps.

Something stupid.

2006-06-04T19:30:00.001+08:00

It's always like this. You laugh at someone who's lovesick, calling them names and thinking that this is all but an act of
childish want for attention. And then you experience it for yourself. You truly feel the toture of unrequited love, and demented as you are, you find no such humour anymore. You become a puppet of your own emotions, controlled by the very thing you tried so hard to control in the first place.

And its like every single moment not spent thinking of something else, that inevitable hurt creeps back into your mind. And you find yourself thinking about her all over again. Then it becomes so bad, this misery becomes a tangible feeling and everytime something reminds you of her, you find your body feeling weak. And there isn't anything you can do. You find yourself lost in the knowing that there is no chance in hell that you'll ever get what you want. No, not one bit.

Perhaps I shouldn't be writing all this here. I sound foolish and extremely ridiculous.

I've lost my belief in you, my goddess.

2006-05-28T23:42:00.000+08:00

I was once told that people actually envied the fact that I was closer to you than most were. And now I've become one of them, filled with jealousy of those you give your attention to. I've become insignificant, a friend of the past, much like one of the many that comes and go. A distant memory and perhaps a hi-bye friendship(maybe even this is too much to ask) is what's left, and I'm forced to accept this as a part and parcel of life and its many tragic revelations. All I really want is for us to become good friends again, but I won't be bent on the impossible. It is far too unreal.

It was nice knowing you. I hope the fact that I'm taking valuable time off chinese just to get this off my chest mean something at all. I hate seeing this friendship die, but there's nothing I can do. I hate being all emotional and dramatic but goddamit, it meant the fucking world to me.

I'm blogging?!

2006-05-28T01:01:00.001+08:00

Its been days since I've have abandoned my status as a blogger to rethink this practice as a whole, and the benefits I might reap in the end altogether (And of course for chinese as well, but that wasn't the main reason) . At the end of it, I've realised an important truth and I'm really glad I did this.

Blogging really isn't writing for an audience, hoping that for every word that you write, you might leave a mark on their minds after they've left the site. That has sadly been the case for me. Over time, as the viewership count on my blog grew, I wrote only chosen topics that I thought might interest the reader, issues that were sensitive to the heart. Something that will hopefully make people think. I wanted to make an impression.

Blogging isn't supposed to be anything near that, not for me. I feel like I'm doing an injustice, in an unexplainable way, to myself. Blogging is meant to be personal and intimate. A place where you can pen down in words everything you've felt during the day so that you can keep it for memory's sake. An expression in the most beautiful language ever spoken. The mere abuse of it brings pangs of sadness and embarrassment to me. I've been active in this 'career' for 4 whole years, and the things it has done for me are simply amazing.

I have so much to write, really. There were days that I struggled with temptation so badly, but I knew I had to stick to my words. I really wanted to find out if this was worth my time at all, and I've found the answer in a rather painful fashion but no matter to that. But of all accounts that I have of my experiences only one is worth the mention. It might not mean much, but it gave me enough conviction to start looking once again for the passion to fuel a driving force for what I really want for myself. My dream as a rock star, an accomplished writer, a beautiful wife, to write music that touches everyone all over the world, etc.

I think I'll continue with this tomorrow. Sorry for the spoiler but I'm really tired. But before I sign off, I really want to say this:

Thank you for reading.

2006-05-28T01:01:00.000+08:00

I am left with no more than 2 days before my chinese Os. Its been days since I've have abandoned my status as a blogger to rethink this practice as a whole, and the benefits I might reap in the end and whether it was worth my time altogether (And of course for chinese as well, but that wasn't the main reason) . At the end of it, I've realised an important truth and I'm really glad

What's happening?!

2006-05-16T21:48:00.000+08:00

I cannot think of words to say anymore. I think this so ends my fleeting career as a 'blogger'. Even my habit of reading has left me. No motivation, no ideas, no nothing.

Till I acquire, once again, an inspiration, I'll leave this blog on a temporary hiatus. This would also give me time to prepare for the upcoming chinese Os on the 29th May. Rest assure that you will be notified if I should move to another blog. Viewership, critics and readers alike, are important to me.

Meanwhile, enjoy my previous entries, if they are any fun to read at all, until this hiatus ends. I'll leave my tagboard there just so you can flood with some words of concern and care I so desire. Yes I crave attention.

Take care dear reader.

Mid-year Crisis.

2006-05-03T22:57:00.000+08:00

With a thousand and possibly more regrets, I am forced to question myself on what I really want with my life right now. If I'm not willing to work hard, then I don't deserve the good grades. Yet I'm stuck on the impossibility that something miraculous will just happen tomorrow and without any preparations, I just might pass. How insolent and foolish.

I've been staring at the notes for quite some time now and nothing is going in. I'm torn between the decision on whether to give up and get a good nights rest or continue in this despairing torment of reading up everything by tonight and kiss goodbye to any form of rest for now.

As it is, my only source of motivation comes from not wanting to end up like the average person. It is rather shallow, and not strong enough a reason to keep away the many urges to stop doing work, and to keep my mind from susceptibility. I've observed a significant change towards my attitude to my studies from last year to present. The difference that I'm now more indifferent towards my grade, and fun holds more importance to me. I am amidst my mid-years yet somewhere inside me, there is an insistence that education is all irrelevant. I no longer enjoy what I'm learning.

Time is weighing heavily on me, and I haven't much time to decide. I'll be letting myself down if I don't give this one last shot with everything I've got. I hope this effort made wouldn't end up fruitless.

A very very random post.

2006-05-03T20:41:00.000+08:00

Given in to my friend's prompting, I'll oblige this once for a blog entry. There isn't much to say for now, and I'm undergoing my mid-years. Tomorrow's my history/social studies paper and I haven't really started on anything. I think I'm gonna start with history then decide if I'd want to continue studying for social studies, because I don't feel indebted to my social studies teacher in any way. All she ever does is pick on me during lessons.

Sarah you will get your entry soon! And I'll reply to those Emails as soon as the weekends come. I'm rather tight with time now, so excuse the delay. You study hard!

Elegance in its highest order.

2006-05-01T00:17:00.000+08:00

I don't really know how I should begin this entry, because it is really ridiculous I'm even writing about this. A ride on an MRT in singapore is one of the most ideal places for people-watching. And as usual, on my long and tiresome journey back to the east from town, I started watching the people around me. Nothing in particular caught my attention, until I heard a voice in a loud, but yet gentle tone with a familiar accent we've all heard from characters in movies before. And there in the corner, sat a lady. Well she wasn't really a lady, she seemed pretty young, but everything about her at that moment when her eyes caught mine made her deserve the title of being called a lady. To her, I was just another face in the crowd, and without a second glance, she carried on to what seemed like an angry conversation with someone else on the phone. She didn't deserve to be angry. Not someone as beautiful as her.

Personally, I've met very very few who are beautiful. I mean beautiful, as in beautiful in every sense of that word, not just by the superficiality of a pretty face, but how she appeals to others as a truly beautiful person. Haha, its just like magnetism. Magnetic induction, to be more specific, and she was like the north pole. And as I stood there, barely 2 feet apart, a south pole was induced in my insignificant and menial heart, and there was attraction (Shut up, a man is always foolish when he's in love).

And like I've mentioned aforehand at the start on this entry, I find it quite hilarious why I'm even writing this. Its just something about her that had compelled me to dedicate this nugatory of a blog post, unworthy of her viewership.

Everything about her was perfect. The way her head tilted as she read her novel, the gentle and impossibly gorgeous pair of eyes that slowly scrutinised every word of the page. She paid no attention to me, but in my head a whole world of insolent thoughts were running wildly. I wished she was mine. The tattoo by her waist only brought her already luscious sex appeal up by an uncountable amount, not to mention her revealing red lingerie she so proudly presented to all watching eyes. Her delicate and thin lips and extremely alluring legs. I watched as she walked out of the train, and there, the perfect woman had walked away, gone forever.

What was but the mere passing of a few minutes seemed like so much has happened already. I felt like I knew that lady. It was like love to disdain and utter torment. I've never seen anyone as attractive as her before.

I guess you could say it is fucking unfortunate I should be cursed with the sight of such ravishing beauty. Her image will forever be etched in my memory.

Just some random ramblings.

2006-04-27T17:58:00.000+08:00

Right now, everything's going pretty good. I'm rather satisfied with my work rate. I'll say this, to all of you who despise and look down on me, I'm making a comeback.

In June/July there's gonna be a performance at barker called Everglow or something. It's a bloody ripped-off name, with a ripped-off concept from MG's Expresso. Fucking unoriginal. But my band's auditioning for it nonetheless. I think right now what we're needing is experience so I guess every chance at hand to perform is an opportunity we'll take. We're halfway done with writing the song and I must say, it does sound pretty cool. Haha.

I hereby receive Steve Vai as my personal savior and new God. AMEN!

For such was mine, not too long ago.

2006-04-25T17:11:00.000+08:00

Just a while ago, I was just glancing through my very first entries as a blogger, in my previous blog of course. It was quite an experience, looking through every single entry, watching myself grow with time. I still remember the period I struggled with self-esteem. With every given opportunity, I'd try to express myself differently. Trying hard to be unique. To stand out however I could in the little things I do. Of course back then I'd think people would actually notice.

Those entries portrayed the person I was before being exposed to atheism, lust, cynism and the fact that many people you call 'friends' cannot be trusted. I lived in a world of innocence, as though the parable of adam and eve never was of existence, that they never picked the fruit from the tree of knowledge. I was then without sinful desires and selfish ambitions. But in this harsh world and society that we live in, most people unfortunately hold dualism in identity and always appear with a friendly smile on their faces. Why is it so hard to be upfront with how you really feel! Why the false profession. Its never easy to survive being the good guy, and this I must say, is a lesson I'd be holding on to for life. I yearn so much for the camaraderie that existed within my circle of friends to live once again. But such a wish is beyond impossibility. Greed has wrecked us.

The entries reminded me of how I worked so hard to find a permanent source of motivation for me to study. We all know that is impossible, but I never allowed this notion to create even the slightest dent in my belief that it will one day come to light. That such a thing did exist after all. I had a dream, then. But what are these to me now? Quite honestly, I'll tell you now that I want to die at an early age. That life no longer holds meaning for me. The passion and drive that once held me together, faltered along with the religion that was held so closely to my heart. Let God have the pathetic soul that I am and do as he pleases, though we already know what's the outcome of my fate. Let me burn, but I shall burn in satisfaction because I know I held on to my beliefs to the very end...

Help?

2006-04-20T21:55:00.000+08:00

There's just something about oldies that seem extremely appealing to me. Perhaps its that dreamy feeling that you feel so tangibly when the music plays. It brings nostalgia to you, in a way most other genres do not. Just something different that I can't quite put a finger on. Haha its just a random thought anyway, no big deal.

I have something else to share, and though what I say may be preternatural in a way, I want you to know that all I'm about write is wholely truthful and nothing less.

Leading a satanic/atheist lifestyle may be exciting, in the wrong way, but the demons and consequences are very real. Let me illustrate,

Would you believe me that, if I had to, I would now want to wear a cruxifix around my atheist neck or sleep with the company of either of my parents? Darkness scares me, and there isn't much I can do to get rid of this fear. Theres a haunting, a feeling of another entity present in the very same room I slumber. It scares me..

I don't think I should continue. Enough have been said.

Why hello Jesse.

2006-04-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

The mystery of that anonymous tagger has finally been cracked. A huge relief, I might add. I'm feeling sad because I've lost a friend I once held at a high esteem.

A certain conversation was recorded between you and another person, and your reasons for hating me are despicably shallow. Why do you even bother putting up that fake front? "Notwithstanding hypocrisy' my fucking balls Jesse. You're the epitome of hypocrisy. Its bad enough the whole class hates you, and now you backstab the one person who actually saw the real person you are, through all that sissy and homosexual habits of yours. Well guess what, your only 'friend' in class just gave you away. And how does that feel huh? A big Fuck You, right in your acne-filled face Jesse. This only adds to your ruined reputation in school. I hope you relish infamy, otherwise you and your miserable little life will only continue in its painful journey. "Not a single barker boy wished me happy birthday, do I really have friends?" Dude thats just rhetorical. Of course you don't. What an idiot.

ACS Team Rugby.

2006-04-10T21:41:00.000+08:00

And so the season ends, just like that. We did great for today's match against SJI though. And I think it was my best try ever, something I'm gonna remember for life. Just wanna thank you guys for the memories man. We're now officially part of ACS's Old Boy's Rugby! How cool.

Notice.

2006-04-08T21:58:00.000+08:00

I think I've had enough with the anonymous tags and their mindless expressions. The decision to have my tagboard removed had been considered a while ago, but I dropped the idea. I'd have to say, everyone loves attention but the ones I'm getting are simply getting on my nerves. So there. Assholes.

7th April

2006-04-08T11:17:00.000+08:00

We've trained our last, and all the sweat blood and tears will not be in vain. Come monday, we'll make SJI wish they never started rugby at all. The memories of all we've been through will be kept close forever like the priceless gems they are. Goddamit I wish I could upload the pictures I took at the thomson field yesterday but my USB cable has some glitches so I'll have to wait till my dad buys me the replacement, which should come pretty soon.

I wish I could think of more to say, but I haven't been really in sync with myself of late. I just don't feel the same.

In a while, I'll be leaving for the Rugby 7s at the indoor stadium. Can't wait.

But why?

2006-04-02T17:10:00.000+08:00

Today, I stepped into church with an unwilling heart. The worship sounded in the background and my mind was somewhere else. I no longer receive those words of praise the same way I used to anymore. It sounded really annoying and the peace it once gave me is no more. During the prayer, I couldn't make out the words said by the pastor. Its as though they were of a foreign language, nothing more than just incoherent blabberings. I wish I could quieten down my heart a little, just so I could receive something warm and familiar. Something that came so generously and freely to me in the past.

But it's just not the same anymore.

I'm now an enemy of the church. I speak words of blasphemy and sacrilege. I'm the unfortunate condemned, the perfect example of what the many staunch christian parents fear would become of their precious children.

I'm an aetheist out of reach from salvation. I worship not an entity but what it embodies and symbolizes. I worship myself. I worship love, fame, money and glory. I embrace independant thinking and self-responsibility. If I sin, then I shall sin well and in excess. What are consequences to me anyway? I'll still be thrown into the wretched grounds of buring sulphur and mournings in pain.

Today I stepped into church. And God threw me out.

Perhaps.

2006-03-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

So I swore to the razor,
that never enchained would your darks nail of faith
be pushed through my veins again...

Just some random thoughts..

2006-03-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

Some might say parental influence can really determine how a person you'll grow up to become. Whoever said that is seriously misunderstood because Marilyn Manson's father was a fucking church pastor. Ha ha so much for the holiness.
Religion is worthless and weak!

ACS Team Rugby.

2006-03-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow will be the day ACS(barker) plays St Andrews. Right now I should be on my bed resting for the upcoming match tomorrow, but after receiving an sms I couldnt quite control myself anymore. I'm surged with mix emotions inside of me and it'll drive me insane to keep it inside any longer. Before I go into my last preparations for tomorrow's match, I really wanna say this,

Guys its been 2 fucking years since I've joined the rugby team. And I swear it has got to be my best years. The times we've been through, from the 2003 camp to the recent one yet. The close bonds we share. This bond will most certainly last through our school years and stretch until our bodies are weak and frail, and when we walk with a stick. Guys I fucking love you, and I say this from the bottom of my heart. Tomorrow, we die for one another. We will bleed and have our bones broken but our love for each other are gonna pull us through. Pain is void. We will emerge champions and nothing short. Guys this is it. Its our last chance at the cup. Its our last fucking year together.

Harresh just sent me an sms and I couldnt quite keep my tears back when I first read it.
"Our blood is red, blue and gold. Our minds are strong and our bodies impenetrable. Tomorrow is war. Let's make em bleed brothers! Lets own these saints! The best is yet to be"

I cannot possibly describe how big an encouragement that is. Really. Just reading it psyches me up so much I barely have the focus to write a proper entry which probably explains why my language is so basic and shrewd in this entry.

For one another, for the badge, for the cup.

Life will not always be this way though.

2006-03-23T17:39:00.000+08:00

I am quite satisfied with how I am performing academically right now. I've never felt quite like this before. And I also realise that in the recent weeks I've been reading a whole lot more than ever. And for once, I can truly say without any fret nor worry,

Damn I'm a happy boy :D

Last moments.

2006-03-20T21:50:00.000+08:00

I find terrible the notion that the opportunity of a turning point in my life lies less than 7 months away, yet I do nothing to reach for it. I stand idle, making empty resolves and promises. Nothing happens and procrastination stays an unremovable impediment.

I despise myself for giving in to sheer laziness, and always coming up with a ridiculous excuse to put studying to a delayed time. I really do. Quite honestly, there isn't much time left for me. I see this, but yet there is no tangible response. It's as if my brain refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm walking into my own deathtrap. And every minute wasted in vain, brings me an inch closer to a career suicide.

Quit it harry, you know you have everything to lose. The hard work starts now.

It's time.

Sigh.

2006-03-13T22:32:00.000+08:00

It's been awhile hasn't it. So many things have been happening and somehow I just can't find the right words to pen it all down. My abuse of the language doesn't do any justice to the experiences at all. It deserves better words.

What's happening to me?

Weekend Post.

2006-02-26T22:34:00.000+08:00

I'm don't feel like updating right now, but due to the requests from certain friends I'll oblige this once. I cannot promise a well-written entry though. As it is, something at the back of my head prompts me to return to my study desk and finish up the work that is due to be done tonight. I feel awfully guilty in being stubborn and going against whats good for me, and seriously, I am getting quite fed up with this internal conflict between procrastination and doing what's good. I have to look for that motivation and drive that once lived in me not too long ago. I'm not saying its gone, but I'm just not making the effort to look for it. To scorn at my own laziness, and yet stand by moving not even an inch to help myself. What is the problem, exactly?

On friday, ACS played against Unity Sec. The first half was played in much doubt and complacency. There were times when I actually thought we wouldn't make it in the end. Thank God the team woke up in the 2nd half and we lead from the score of 15-0 to 29-15. If that isn't an achievement I don't know what is. On the whole, everyone played well and we really proved to ourselves that we're of championship material. And the only loophole is the desire to win, to put off all distractions and focus wholely on the match. To not fall short on our guard and play to our best every damn minute till the final whistle is blown. Quite honestly, if we do not make it to at least the finals, I feel we're not doing justice to ourselves because our potential stretches far beyond just 3rd or 4th placing.

My studies aren't going very well. I'm failing every other test I take and I'm not consistent in doing my homework. Goddamit, if I don't pick up on my studying pace and do something to the lack of discipline, I'm seriously going to f_ck up my damn prelims and God Forbid, the Os. My mid-years draws nearer each day, and now I have barely 2 months left in my hands to study for it. F*ck I'm stressed. And I need an Add. Math tutor.

Woe to education.

Weekend Post.

2006-02-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm going to make this very brief because I still need to go bathe and then finish SS. Its already 11 and I want to sleep soon.

This has go to be my worst week ever, honestly. Falling sick, not going to training and getting into trouble because of that. Well some people are just biased and painfully unreasonable. I deserve more respect than that. All the ruggers reading this, you can go tell him all you want. I don't quite care anymore.

I've probably failed every test done this week because my mind really isn't in class. I'm just not focused during school, then when I go home I start worrying unnessecarily all when of this could jolly well be avoided in the first place. Sometimes I wonder what my where priorities lie in life. I really need to sort myself out.

Because I couldn't go for the match on friday, I went to city hall and then to bible study after that. Made an important decision and I'm committing myself to that. I won't want to post this to avoid more gossips and BADMOUTHING behind my back. I've quite enough of it thankyouverymuch. Took a long walk home and had time to really think what I wanted for myself on the religious aspect of my life.

I overslept on saturday when I was supposed to be at ACJC's fun-o-rama. Gosh everytime I at ACJC I feel a new leash of inspiration. Thats my dream school, something I'm working for. And I'm going all out for it. Anyway, I stayed home that afternoon. Read a novel and slept the afternoon away. I've been wanting a break like that for ages. Was really happy I could finally sleep in on a saturday afternoon with no bothers and worries at the back of my thoughts.

I got up in the morning and felt really f_cked up. No idea why. There's been so much going on and really, sometimes I find its just too much for a feeble 16 year old to take. Its as if I'm already going through adulthood and its hardship. Oh well. I'm not the only one anyway.

I'm sorry I don't reply to many of the tags on my tagboard. And I don't plan to anyway.

Goodnight.

Weekend Post.

2006-02-12T18:01:00.000+08:00

48 hours for a weekend simply doesn't suffice. You feel happy on friday nights because you anticipate a fun-filled weekend and a temporary escape from school and its horrors. Then it doesn't feel very long before you realise that its all over, and yet another dreadful week of school begins. I really wish I could have more time during the weekends because the number of things I have in mind to do is like a bottomless pit. It just doesn't end. I have to catch up on loss time during the weekdays because of CCA, revising and studying and so much more. The fact that this is the year of my GCE O Level only brings more guilt for every minute wasted. Time that can perhaps be spent reading a book, hence improving essay writing skills and vocabulary bank, wasted on the computer or sleep can really affect my mood for any form of recreation that I would want to do thereafter. So its really quite silly of me if I keep on procrastinating and neglecting my work because at the end of it, I won't be able to enjoy my playtime.

Although I have made several futile attempts to study, sometimes I think all these are just not enough. There has to be a way to get myself to like studying, to be in the mood of work and to stay in that mood. Ever wondered that no matter how tired you are, sometimes you wouldn't refuse a night out clubbing? I'm not generalising but just making an analogy. Anyway as I was saying, there has to be something about that acitivty that you do that makes you wanna keep going back at it, regardless of how you're feeling. Tired or not. Now, if I can put all of that into studying, then scoring distinctions for every subject will never EVER become a problem. Failing grades and unmet expectations will be a thing of the past. How phenomenal. Thankfully I know of someone who is capable of helping me achieve this ideal performance state, and this same person also does sports psychology for my school's rugby team. Ain't I the lucky one. I must seek his help.

Enough of the boring stuff. Anymore and no one will want to read my blog anymore.

I went to Players & Swingers @ Pavillion last night. Can't say it was a fantastic party but I had abit of fun. I still can't believe I actually felt jealous when I saw her dancing with another guy. I feel so stupid. I guess valentine's will be spent alone but then again I shouldn't be complaining because I'm not good enough for anybody. Sigh, I just wanna sleep through the goddamn thing or spend a romantic evening with my physics textbook learning about electricity and its wonders. Okay now back to history..

I might just snap.

2006-02-05T21:23:00.000+08:00

Fucking hell I think I'm on the verge of losing sanity. You know right now I'm supposed to be in my room studying for my upcoming tests. I promised to confine myself within the walls of my room until all of my studying is done. Everything went crazy when I started on A Math. I realised I couldn't remember a thing I learned on Binomial Theorum. I spent so much time just looking at the worked examples because I'm too afraid to try out the questions. Cause every fucken time I do so, I'll always get fucking frustrated because none of my questions are ever done right the first time. Now my dad's whining like a woman. Sometimes I wonder if he has a dick, because seriously, I think he has period and like pmses every single day. Bloody asshole.

Education is a parent's responsibility and I think its awfully immoral if they left the burden of learning on the child alone. My parents blame me on every mistake I make in the process. They've never considered the fact that after having sex and giving birth to a kid, its their fucking duty to look after it. Who knows. Maybe I was unplanned cause they were too fucking horny. Everytime I ask for help in my studies, their never there. Seriously. My dad's always busy out at work, or overseas. My good-for-nothing mother is pretty much non-exisitent. At the simplest request of finding a tutor for me, because I have no contacts whatsoever, my dad started a lecture of how I have to take responsibility of myself. WHAT THE FUCK?! At the age of 16, I think it is most obvious that my father's circle of contacts would be larger. So if he made an effort to look, I'm sure he'll find someone who's so much more competant than the person I'll find. I hope he chokes on his food or die in his sleep.

My friends aren't really helping because their words of comfort are all fucking lies and quite honestly, its more of an annoyance than help. All you hypocrites.

Crimson

2006-02-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

Match against Montfort tomorrow. And the time's finally here for me to feast on my victims.

Kidding.

They are human afterall.

2006-01-30T00:13:00.000+08:00

To live in a small country, and still know that there are places still unexplored to many can be quite interesting. I was spellbinded today, as I walked through the alleys of geylang on the excuse of finding durians for supper. Please don't get it wrong, I was there only out of curiosity and not for lustful reasons.But what started out from a random visit out of boredom, turned out to be a surreal experience. There, my eyes were opened to things I never thought existed. I had expected myself to be feeling really excited and intruiged, seeing that it was my first time seeing prostitution at work, but instead, I felt an unexpected mix of emotions. I felt sympathy and great sorrow for the people I see walking by the alleys, showing off their bodies to perverted and possibly smelly old men. Do they not see that there's so much more out there in the world that they're missing out on? Why are they turning to prostitution? I can't quite put a finger on this. Sexual desires or perhaps the plain greed for money. If so, I'm sure there are better ways of earning the money but why lust for ugly old men who's dicks probably dont work anymore?

Why choose a disesteeming path and be despised by others? Why put yourself under mockery and be called cheap? Sigh. I see no justification in any human being having to endure any of the above-mentioned. We are creatures of intellect and independant thinking. Why should one be toyed around by men and be degraded below the normal class of people in society? It troubles me to even begin thinking about this.

There, the girls, sometimes wearing nothing but a bra and shorts, are scrutinized by walking passerbys . They sit around all night doing nothing, only in hope of someone taking an interest in them and finally asking for their services. And in this manner, these people live their lives until their bodies cannot work anymore and finally coming to a painful stop.

I wonder if its because to them, all is already lost, and perhaps prostitution is an escape from harsh reality. I cannot say. But I really want to find out whats going on in their lives, and perhaps from it find out why their are into prostitution. I do not know when, but I promise myself that I will return to the place. I will bring a piece of paper and pen and interview a chosen few. Sounds dreamy and unreal, but I want to do it.

And I'm not gonna change my mind under any words of disencouragement so don't waste your time trying to make me think its all an act of stupidity.

Part 3 ; 16th Birthday

2006-01-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

Sigh, I can't believe its already over. It was my best birthday, ever. And it was like, all of sudden, I realised that I had so so many awesome friends around me. Who actually bother and care. It was a pleasant surprise really. The wishes, the testimonials, the sweet smses and above all, the hugs and kisses. Damn.

Met the ruggers yesterday in town. Went for dinner at seoul garden in celebration of bryan's and my brithday. Hahaha I love those guys. Went over to tim teo's place for a stayover thereafter. Played poker, watched soccer, sang dumb christmas carols and felt stupid but extremely happy (:
Woke up today at around 11, had lunch at his place then went to New creations church. And now here I am. I'm like really tired so forgive the briefness of this entry because I dont feel very compelled to write a proper entry due to fatigue. I'm dead tired.

I love you all, and once again, thank you for giving me the best birthday yet <3

Part 2 ; 16th birthday

2006-01-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

Today was PHENOMENAL and I really enjoyed myself! I love you all! :D I love my classmates I love my rugby team I love my friends! Every single one of you! I felt special today and thats the most I could ever ask for, really. Received many many wishes and an awesome present from Tim Teo, Luqman and Shahir. Will be expecting more tomorrow! 16th birthday part 3! HAHA this is so cool. I'm so happy ahhh I'm so delirious with joy I can't seem to write this entry properly so I'm just gonna ramble in random! I LOVE YOU GUYS AAHHHH! Bryan especially! <3

Going out with the ruggers tomorrow again for the celebration. Gonna receive like more presents hahahah I'm loving this so much. ((:

I wanna thank the following people for wishing me in person!

Isaac Loh, Luqman, Greg, Zhenwen, Jeric, Hans, Ben Teo, En shen, Dominic Koh, BRYAN LIM <3, Nicky, Joseph Chen, Ivan Chan, Harresh, Tim Teo, Edmund, Kenneth, Elton, Samuel Chou, JIAYI <3, Terence Teo, Mark Keong, Jonah Wee and Shahir!

Thank you enshen for saying happy birthday to me on your nick as well! HAHA I LOVE YOU MAN

Thank you Derek Khoo for the testimonial!

Thank you Joyce for the sms!

Thank you Belle for the wishes!

Thank you Adam for the wishes!

THANK YOU JERALD WHO FORGOT ABOUT ME BUT JUST SENT AN SMS! LOVE! (:

Hahaha thank you elton! For humping me in the library and getting caught by the librarian HAHAHA.

Thank you Bryan! For letting me hug you after so much of pleading and begging! I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH!

Thank you harresh for that hug without even asking!

Thank you for the boots Tim Teo, Luqman and Shahir!

Can't wait for part 3 tomorrow! WWHEEEEE

<3

Part 1 ; 16th birthday!

2006-01-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

HAHA its finally 12! And I'm 16! Alright first of all I really wanna thank each and everyone of you, my wonderful wonderful friends, for your wishes presents and everything. I feel awfully happy hahaha. I recorded everything from how they were wished to the time of order! This is awesome, really. I think I'm gonna die in school tomorrow! Well anyway here's the list, and there's gonna be part 2 tomorrow! Though I don't think I'd get that many wishes, I'll record however little nonetheless! =)

chinguan (card and msn), leon(testimonial and sms and the present with steph), shaan(msn and testimonial and sms WOAH), maple(testimonial), liansheng(msn), shihui(msn and tagboard!), ying (msn and present!) and xiu(msn), angel! (testimonial), ariel(testimonial and sms), franco (msn), esmond (msn), timothy chow(sms), steph (sms with leon! hahaha oh and vibrating condoms HAHA), kaishi (msn), My loving parents! ( I cant believe their so late! )

Happy 16th birthday harry (:

I'm on top of the world!

Ramblings for the week.

2006-01-17T21:19:00.000+08:00

This has got to be the worst week yet, and things aren't look good for me. It's already the 3rd day of the week and I haven't really done anything productive yet. I'm doing catch up work now because I'm always too tired to listen in class, and much of the lesson time is used to catch up on my sleep. The quality of my work is abysmal, and I'm finding it hard to hand up my work on time. I haven't gotten a single question of A Math right on my own since the start of this year, and for literature assignments I find it hard to choose the right words to say. My summaries are written like essays even though they're not supposed to be so because summaries are meant to be laconic and brief. My essays aren't any better because half the things I write don't make sense. I don't even want to begin talking about chinese.

Tonight is the only night I feel really awake, and have therefore decided to do my revisions and catch up on work but just as I was about to start I realised my goddamn work file is missing. Along with all of my notes, assignments and whatnot. I have 2 assignments due tomorrow and god knows how I'm gonna hand them up. Asking for further extentions won't work anymore because I gave a fucked up reason today and the teacher was kind enough to close one eye to my obvious lie and gave me more time. I'm too embaressed to ask for a further extended deadline.

I fucked up training the last session because (well I won't say it here because I fear of people telling on me). My days as out-centre are over and I suppose the only position I'm EVER gonna play from now is the on the fucking wing. Well done harry.

Beep test again today, and I suppose I did considerably well. The score was 12.6 and I did 0.2 points better than my previous attempt. Damn Paul Crosby I swear I'll beat you soon enough! Anyway I think I'd better start studying chemistry and literature now. Sigh, I think I worry too much for my own good.

Absinthe With Faust.

2006-01-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

I dedicate this entry to Dr Johann Faustus, a man who's determination to strive harder and love for knowledge had me taken aback. I suppose I wasn't the only one who got bowled over because Cradle Of Filth had a whole song written about him and his life, titled 'Absinthe with Faust'. The song speaks of how he sold his soul to the devil for infinite knowledge and sorcery. What he did in his life amazed me so much that I spent the whole afternoon doing a great deal of research on him. He taught me how its always better to hold onto God's word and not be lead into temptation by the devil. The holidays has taught me many things, and among those, I have learnt that the devil's deceit would always seem glamourous on the surface and more often than not it makes you feel awfully good about yourself. Then after that, you'd start to question your christian faith and wonder why you're following God's 'dogma' (as I have termed it in the past) blindly. Honestly, I must make this point clear to everyone reading this out there, that God's word never returns void and its always for the better of us. Dr Johann Faust was a great and wise man but even so, he made a very costly mistake that costed him not only his life but also his soul. This is fact and not fiction, even though the content may seem very absurd, I believe such things do exist. In this entry, I will write a very brief entry about Dr. Johann Faustus's life, the pact he made with the devil and also his very very tragic ending. I have very great respect for this man, however weird it may be. So I thought I'd write an account on him - a tribute, but really more of a lesson to learn from his mistake.

Johann Faustus was born in Roda in the province of Weimar, of God-fearing parents. Although he often lacked common sense and understanding, at an early age he proved himself a scholar, mastering not only the Holy Scriptures, but also the sciences of medicine, mathematics, astrology, sorcery, prophesy, and necromancy. These pursuits aroused in him a desire to commune with the devil, therefore he did, after making several necessary preparations and whatnot.

This is an account given of what happened that night,

Feigning anger at having been summoned against his will, the Devil arrived in the midst of a great storm. After the winds and lightning had subsided the Devil asked Dr. Faustus to reveal his will, to which the scholar replied that he was willing to enter into a pact. The Devil, for his part, would agree:

to serve Dr. Faustus for as long as he should live,
to provide Dr. Faustus with whatever information he might request, and
never to utter an untruth to Dr. Faustus.

The Devil agreed to these particulars, on the condition that Dr. Faustus would promise:

at the expiration of twenty-four years to surrender his body and soul to the Devil,
to confirm the pact with a signature written in his own blood, and
to renounce his Christian faith.

Having reached an agreement, the pact was drawn up, and Dr. Faustus formalized it with his own blood.

Its sad, really. Throughout the time when Johann Faustus was still alive, several men of God had unsuccessfully attempted to persuade him to desist the pact and return to God. He was headstrong and insisted that he have had to make good of his promise, as the Devil had honestly upheld his.

Henceforth Dr. Faustus' life was filled with comfort and luxury, but marked by excess and perversion. Everything was within his grasp: elegant clothing, fine wines, sumptuous food, beautiful women--even Helen of Troy and the concubines from the Turkish sultan's harem. He became the most famous astrologer in the land, for his horoscopes never failed. No longer limited by earthly constraints, he traveled from the depths of hell to the most distant stars. He amazed his students and fellow scholars with his knowledge of heaven and earth.

So the devil did make good of his promise. Johann Faustus enjoyed fame and fortunes that knew no bounds, and it seemed like heaven on earth for him. There is something that really struck, and that is why didn't Johann Faustus see that all these are but temporial pleasures, and at the end of 24 years, he would be in complete possession of the devil. Was he really so blindedby all that and not recognise his folly?

Well he did actually, but by then it was already too late. Here's an account written about how he felt the night before the indenture of 24 years,

However, for all his fame and fortune, Dr. Faustus could not revoke the twenty-four year limit to the Devil's indenture. Finally recognizing the folly of his ways, he grew ever more melancholy. He bequeathed his worldly goods to his young apprentice, a student named Christoph Wagner from the University of Wittenberg .

Shortly after midnight on the last day of the twenty-fourth year, the students who had assembled at the home of the ailing Dr. Faustus heard a great commotion. First came the sound of a ferocious storm and then the shouts--first terrifyingly loud then ever weaker--from their mentor.

At daybreak they ventured into his room. Bloodstains were everywhere. Bits of brain clung to the walls. Here they discovered an eye, and there a few teeth. Outside they found the corpse, its members still twitching, lying on a manure pile.

Here is an excerpt from the Cradle of Filth song :

We have spent our time
Drenched in opulent splendour
But when midnight chimes
Will gilded souls surrender?

Let us drink on the giddying brink
Of pools of excrement
All manner of shit for the glamour and glitz
Mephistopheles lent

I remember the night as if it were engraved
A bright marble bridge stretched across the dark waves
To the shore from the moon and by her grace
Came that erudite stranger
That fucker

He was a predator, creditor cold
Our blood was shone on the yellowing scroll 
And all that glittered was not gold 
But we wanted everything 
And for it all lost our souls

Read carefully. Mephistopheles is the devil himself. The song started out by describing how Faustus lived his life in glamour and glitz. Mephistopheles lent, meaning all these were given by the devil. Then it went on to say about the night he sold his soul to the devil and finally realising his mistake, but all was lost already by then, and his soul now burns in hell.

His horrible death thus taught them the lesson that had escaped their master during his lifetime: to hold fast to the ways of God, and to reject the Devil and all his temptations.

Why am I writing this? Quite honestly I don't really know. Perhaps Johann Faustus made a special request to God and through me, he has written this entry to warn others to not take the same mistake he did. Oh god this feels weird really. I'm starting to think this entry's really random. Oh well.

I can't feel my legs

2006-01-12T20:07:00.000+08:00

So far school has been a real drag and its hours seem so much more than just 7 hours. Coupled with training, I'm barely surviving. Every single day I return home half-dead and awfully tired and its so hard to get down to work because every time I enter my room, I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I'm just praying for strength and the discipline to finish my homework. I now have 2 and half hours to finish my homework and revision. I hope msn doesn't tempt me out of my room again. I just want to stay in my room and study for 2 solid hours. Yes, I will do that.

It's my dad birthday today but we didn't do much of a celebration, although we did go out for a feast. I stuffed myself so much I had problems standing up after that. Heh. Okay I think I'd better go bathe and get down to work now.

Its Raaaaiiinnnniinnngggggg

2006-01-10T12:33:00.000+08:00

What a lovely, lovely day. Its been wet weathers for the past few days and I'm loving it. Perfect weather to sleep in but unfortunately I have rugby and school so I guess today's the only day I can truly indulge in its fullness. I want to sleep the whole day away (: Then maybe start studying at night. Mmm actually no I think I'll study first after lunch then sleep hahaha. Damn, I'm hungry. And this entry's damn random. Byebye (:

Its just another entry.

2006-01-07T20:08:00.000+08:00

Today we had a game against ACSi, at their school. Quite honestly, I felt that the team was giving them too much respect from the start and we fell short of what we wanted to achieve. It was really evident that our hunger and drive after their first try was weaken, but thats okay because we picked up during the second half. The referee was reasonable and the field condition was awesome. I really liked the mud even though it made ball handling a little harder. Played winger, flanker and then out-centre throughout the match but only touched the ball once. Mistackled twice but thankfully no knock-ons. I sprained my left ankle and got raked on my face, thighs and knees. They left really ugly scratch/rake scars and abrasion marks. I think the abrasions were also partly due to the field's sand-ish (if I may coin a term) nature. I must say, the team played considerably well but we could have done better. Fuck you ACSi.

Went to town for lunch with the ruggers after that and went home immediately. I gave the model audition a miss because after much consideration, I suppose at the end of it, it'll only prove to be a waste of time. I know my chances of actually qualifying and it's really low. And even if I do qualify, I have rugby and study commitments I cannot possibly neglect. The O's are going to take place so I suppose all these can wait till after it ends.

I just woke up and I suppose I should be starting on work pretty soon. I still want to laze around somemore hahahha. Okay I guess this ends my entry. I really hope my scars won't stay for too long. ):

My first long entry HAHA!

2006-01-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

I've given up writing my fucking chinese composition and have decided to blog instead. Much has happened over the past few days and I think I'll pen down every single thing that happened haahhaha yeah I'm that bored.

Sunday!
Woke up at around 12 and went online. No one was online then, so I decided to go pack up my room and organise my stuff and prepare for school on tuesday. Went to church in the evening. Kinda regretted that decision cause it was so fucking boring. Should have just stayed home and like catch up on my sleep. Oh well I doubt I'd be going to church anytime soon.

Monday!
I woke up at 12 again (Damn, I'm gonna miss waking up at hours like that). Was suppose to stay home all day to study but Joseph woke me up and begged me to follow him to town to get a haircut and purchase some stuff. Haha I gave in and left home at about 2. Went for a haircut at far east. Damn I love it. She did it just the way I asked for my hair to be. Awesome hairstylist. Then I tried shopping for a fucking school shoe but the whole of fucking orchard doesn't have the one I wanted. Fucking waste of time. After a while, we gave up and headed home.

At orchard mrt this guy came up to me, and for a while I thought he was some surveyor or maybe he was asking for donations so I just ignored him and walked away until he told me he wasn't doing anything of that sort. Found out that he was from I-models and wanted me to try out for an audition. He's one blind fucker, I swear. Well I gave him my number anyway and he said he'd call soon. It'll probably be a waste of time cause quite honestly I look fucked and chances are I won't qualify. But its all for the experience anyway haha maybe I could do another commercial and get the dough. Then again, lady luck's being a whore these past few days soooo I wouldn't really put my hopes on anything.

I went home by the mrt after that. When the train stopped at Dhoby Ghaut for passenger transition, this girl came in the train. She looked very normal to me until I saw her necklace. It was a satanic pentagram and I was dead sure about it. Theres a very significant different between a pentagram and a normal star in a circle because the star in a pentagram has its 'head' pointed downwards, indicating the direction, south of heaven, which is hell. I swear I was mesmerized when I looked into her eyes. Bloody attractive.

Reached tanah merah soon after and had a horrible experience with a few lians. Don't wanna talk about this. I'd prefer it to be forgotten asap.

Tuesday!
First day of school and I was really excited. Couldn't really sleep the night before because I was so anxious. I was really happy school was re-opening but at the same time I harboured fear. Fear of the exams, fear of overmounting stress and whatnot. Above all, fear of letting myself down after all I've said I'd do. I went to school with a heavy heart but at the same time I was in alacrity for what awaited me in the classes.

Was really happy that my class turned out to be a good one, with really nice people. It was only the first day and we were already so united. Haha even though I spent the better half of the day outside the general office because I was caught for hair, I really enjoyed myself and I must say it was a pleasant start to a dreadful year.

Had training after school and I performed like a fucking cunt. I've gotta do better if I still want my DSA for ACJC man. Its gonna be really hard. There is alot of politics in the rugby team, with people backstabbing and badmouthing each other. Its quite hard to choose who you can really trust and rely on, because most of them are wearing a mask and its hard to ascertain who are your true friends. One have admitted to all the backstabbing and have apologised. I think it was very brave of him to do that and he has earned my utmost respect in doing so. But there's still another. Don't think we don't know what you're doing, we're just keeping quiet. You're the most cunning yet.

Wednesday!
Yet another day of school. This time we met up with more of our subject teachers and well most of them are really nice. I think my class should be able to do well for our Os with teachers like them. Had a fitness test with the ruggers after school and well I think I met up with the expectations for myself. Went home feeling really happy.

And now here I am, typing this ridiculously long entry when I should be doing my homework or studying. I have started on the first chapter of social studies and everything is going well so far. I'm really worried for my chinese as my grasp of it is still as its minimal. I have much to learn.

Quite honestly I'm still in the party mood. The wanting to study hasn't sinked in yet but given some time I'm quite sure it will. Hmm well I guess I should get back to writing my composition now.

Oh, one more thing.
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 16 DAYS!! (:

2006

2006-01-01T11:45:00.000+08:00

Happy new year to one and all. Haha I'm really looking forward to 2006, even though the pressure of the O levels and all are there. Its a whole new year, and therefore I think its only mandatory that I have a few resolutions even though they might end up like similar resolves in the past. All talk no action. Haha. Nah, this time the Os are up and I'm not taking it lightly. The party at trevose last night will most probably be my last till the big Os are over. Well I have to say guys, the party was awesome but damn the girls left too early. Alright, here are a few resolutions that I will stick to for next year but I'm not gonna make too many, just a handful so its easier to really stick to them and not just chuck them aside after some time.

#1. I'm gonna start reading alot because english lessons doesn't really help so I've gotta help myself.

#2. I will make a point to study everyday because I know I have less than 7 months to cover 4 years of syllabus. Maybe an hour or more everyday, but it'll all prove useful at the end.

#3. I'm gonna be a nicer person and like have more patience.

#4. No more girls. (This one's tentative HAHA)

#5. I'm cutting out laziness.

Yeah, I suppose I'll do well with those few. Fuck my phone isn't working. This isn't good.

Sec 4 here I come!

I can't think of a title.

2005-12-29T00:56:00.000+08:00

The last week of holidays before school reopens. Damn, I'm still not ready for school. Monday was awesome man but it could have been better if the fucking crowd did not run cause of the 'raid' which never really happened in the first place.

Kinda got wasted at the later part. Han and I just started crying uncontrollably over something I won't want to write here and I just woke up the next morning not knowing what happened. Apparently I was talking to Nicole about 'stuff' and fuck I don't even remember anything about it till she told me just now. Its like I had no recollection of even talking to her. Damn. I didn't even know she was in the room!

Well theres part 2 this saturday and we're gonna do the countdown then. Anyone who's interested tag yeah? The party's gonna be awesome.

Match against Singapore Poly tomorrow. Can't wait.

<3

2005-12-27T22:36:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHH omg omg omg omg bryan bryan bryan! Alright I'm sorry this isn't done properly but damn he's still so cute!

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

2005-12-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

HAVE A MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! =]]

blah?

2005-12-24T15:47:00.000+08:00

last night was awesome man, even though it could have been better.
went to indochine with ant, shaun lim and a few others. oh and there was this bunch of nanyang girls too.
lol pretty nice people.
god i feel so dead.. which is probably why this entry isn't well-structured and written properly.
fuck last night i think i grinded more guys than girls man. like 7/10 people were guys lah wtf.
but yeah i've had my fair share of fun with the girls anyway LOL.
aight i think im gonna go sleep somemore
i think its fucking sad to be spending christmas eve like that lah.
and its gonna be worse tomorrow cause its christmas and i have no plans.

2005-12-23T11:54:00.000+08:00

lesbians.
i hate lesbians ):

i'm writing again.

2005-12-22T10:08:00.000+08:00

mm im glad i woke up today feeling much much better. getting to sleep last night wasn't easy at all i swear (empty stomach, swollen eyes and whatnot) but it was worth it. they say a night of sleep can work wonders and i have to say this, it fucking does.

aight, so i'm going for falala @ indochine after all. i'm gonna shop later for my dunks and jeans AND meet someone to get his fake ID hahahaha.

i think im gonna start listening to cradle of filth and the likes once again.

MOS Tonight! Free admission and no need for ID! THANKS ANNA (((:

Whats the point?

2005-12-21T15:57:00.000+08:00

life's just like that. it weighs heavier on you when you're at your lowest. and just when you thought things were at its worst, something more devastating comes along and crushes you like the little speck of dust that you are.

i really wished i had more guts. i wanted to say so much more but the words weren't coming out. if only i could let you know how much you really really reeallyy meant to me. perhaps it was all a mistake and wishful thinking on my part. i'm just not good enough. perhaps you're right. i am rather silly eh?

now even the mere sight of a pebble brings tears.

LOL.

2005-12-21T12:07:00.000+08:00

I've been hearing about her, and how hot she was. And I never believed it till yesterday. When my eyes were set upon her I swear I had trouble keeping my jaws intact. Oh yes. Edmund's sister.
And when I heard this..

~Milky~- times of misery says:
my sister say harry handsome
harry. says:
your sister!
harry. says:
I WANNA BE YOUR BRO-IN-LAW
~Milky~- times of misery says:
...
~Milky~- times of misery says:
...
~Milky~- times of misery says:
shut up i tell u

HAHAHA.
I knew she was checking me out.
But then again, so was I.

Rant.

2005-12-21T09:43:00.000+08:00

Damn, I don't feel too good. Fever and vomitting. Sigghh )):

Fanmail!

2005-12-20T23:06:00.000+08:00

Hahah I'm sorry for it being messy but I couldn't get it organised so this will have to do. Ahem. I'm proud to say that I've gotten my first fanmail! Hahahah its damn cool lah. Even though they were pretty desperate.. and cheap, I thought it was really sweet and nice of them to have gone through the trouble to make this card for me. Hahahaha. I'm so happy (:

There were quite alot written but thought I'd just point out the funny few..
The top 2 pictures says "HARRY U... are My IdOl
ur.. No.1 faN..." but its not in order. LOL

And then from the 3rd picture you'd be able to see "wo ai ni" and her signature in a heart. Btw its actually the work of 3 people. One chinese, one malay, one indian. Woah. Racial harmony.

Hahaha and on the 4th picture they drew a lip and wrote "MuAcKks!" beside it. And below it is actually a butterfly with a speech bubble that says "U ROX! Keep up ur gd Werk LoLx!".

I don't know man. I'm feeling quite touched. Hahaha they wrote on the top left hand corner of the card in malay "move forward to achieve your goal". Aawwww doesn't that just tug at your heartstrings. So sweet. LOL and at the bottom on the card they wrote "Love u.. -as a fren!"
Woah why so anti-climax. Want to love me then love properly lah.

Omg this is a wonderful day ((:

I woke up early!

2005-12-20T10:57:00.000+08:00

Nothing gets any sexier than this man. Hahaha. Bryan! <3 A temporary distraction to get my mind off some things thats really really fucking me up. I don't wanna perform badly later.

Thanks Han, for that talk just now. It really means alot to me. And um, please try to keep it to yourself even though i know its a hot topic and a good gossip. I hope temptation doesn't get the better of you. Once again, thanks bro. Much appreciated. And I'll forever remember what you said. High self-esteem gives you charisma and charisma gets you the girls HAHA :D

In less than 24 hours, my parents will be leaving for Finland. And this means I get the whole house to myself haha but yeah I know my limits. Won't get into alot of trouble (: Party on the 22nd and 23rd. Man, there's so much to do. I need to get my tan, my dunks and jeans while conforming to the time constrain due to training. It's not easy I know. Oh and I'm not done with my christmas shopping! Maybe I should just give everyone christmas cards so I can have more money to myself! ((: But nah, I'm not heartless.

Rugby match at evergreen later at 3 and I'm still idling at home. Gosh, I think I'm gonna be late. Haha I can't wait to see those desperate ah lians again. So HoTzz Worz.

See you.